Luxembourg legalises Hämmelsmarsch band hunting

Luxembourgish government this weekend voted on allowing members of the public to legally be able to hunt Hämmelsmarsch bands and their members.

Fear has been growing for several years after an undercover operation unveiled a hardcore extremist group operating around the country known as the ‘BBB’, (Brass Band Bastards).

The group are known for targeting members of the public on random Sunday mornings throughout the year and are almost guaranteed to target either tired or extremely hungover people with banging drums and bad sounding trumpets.

The new law was passed with a 99% majority vote in Parliament and will come into force immediately.

Legal ownership of firearms is also being considered for Hämmelsmarsch band hunting purposes only.

“Open minded” woman only wants to hear songs she knows at Christmas party. 

Local DJs are bracing themselves for the Christmas party period as crap song requests will be rife across the party season. 

All kinds of junk from Wham to Rihanna, to Celine Dion are expected to be asked for, and if the DJs don’t play them, their drunk boyfriend will come and shout at them.

“We see this kind of thing every year,” said one local DJ. “These people never go out, but when the free Christmas drinks paid for by the company start flowing, it becomes a danger zone.”

Benelux News recommends keeping an eye on your colleagues and make sure they don’t harrass the DJ who is only trying to do their job.

“You can always see the ones who are no good at going out.” said another DJ we spoke to. “They have no idea of sense of space and no rhythm when they dance. we are always cautious of them. you know they are the ones who request the most crap.”