“Shutting doors on passengers” 2019 competition begins

Bus drivers throughout the country today officially launched the new “Shutting doors on passengers” 2019.

The game which has become quite a competitive sport in recent years, sees bus drivers use their skills to shut the rear doors ofbthe bus just a split second before the passenger steps on to the bus, ensuring the doors manage to “catch” them as they are just off the pavement outside.

Bonus points are also given if they manage to catch a passenger stepping off the bus as well.

“I managed to get over 1,500 people last year,” said one driver. “I’m really going to go for gold this year.”

The competition starts now and will be continuing for the remainder of the year.

Advertisements

Lux residents warned not to drink in bars that use little measuring things

A government alert was sent out today to warn Luxembourg residents not to drink in venues that use “silly little measuring things.”

As part of a government clampdown on boring establishments, the silly little measuring things, known as jiggers, are officially recognised as party killers and just put people off buying drinks. Especially when you pay an average of 12 euros for most drinks using spirits.

Benelux News got an exclusive interview with one party regular.

“It’s like they are just killing the fun.” Said the woman. “We are paying a lot of money for these drinks and the last thing we need us some boring party pooper to ‘limit’ our fun.”

Government advice given to bars is to stop being meanies and get the party started!

Woman can’t wait to completely change menu items

Restaurants across the country are currently preparing themselves for the arrival of a woman, or potentially several people who want to completely change what’s on the menu in their local restaurant.

Despite the menu clearly explaining what’s featured on the plate, changes must be made!

The woman is expected to request no onions, gluten free bread (even though gluten is not really a problem for her), the sauce to be separated into some strange side dish, order the meat super rare and then complain that it’s not cooked enough, insisting on a side salad but only eating two mouthfuls and leaving the rest.

“This is a growing problem,” said one restaurant owner. “Some people come in here thinking they know how to run a kitchen, but quickly realise they have no clue about cooking at all.”

Kitchen staff across the country will be expected to simultaneously roll their eyes whenever people make these kind of orders.

“More research needed” claim Luxembourg drinkers.

Following the results of previous years, Luxembourg’s drinkers claim that further essential research is required for investigating global beers and wines.

Due to a lack of memory last years results have been confirmed as “inconclusive” and thus requires further investigation and more essential funding is required.

“We need to be sure about the results,” claimed one investigator.

“There is no other choice.”

Luxembourg International Bazaar happens this weekend.

Residents celebrate opening of new roadworks

Residents around the Place de Paris recently opened a special Christmas Market to celebrate the arrival of new road works along the Avenue de Liberty this week.

The local residents committee approved the event weeks ago with all residents in full support of the project.

“We are so happy to have the roadworks here,” said one neighbour. “With all the traffic jams and noise it will feel like a real city.”

The market will be there until a couple of days before Christmas.

Emile Weber and VDL bus drivers to meet for bareknuckle death fight

Representatives of Ville de Luxembourg and Emile Weber have confirmed that a number of bus drivers will meet soon for a bareknuckle death fight.

Tensions have been steadily rising since the construction of the tram in Kirchberg with VDL drivers claiming that Emile Weber drivers “just dump” their passengers in the middle of nowhere and leaving them to join their cool, city people on their buses.

Claims that the people coming in from the villages smell of manure have so far not been proved, however there are several witnesses who claim just that.

VDL’s current president said in a statement: “We are not messing around any more. We are sick of picking up these stranded people, who could easily be driven in to town.”

A spokesman for Emile Weber responded with: “Bring it on, bitches! We have got nothing to worry about, their top driver couldn’t fight his way out of a paper bag!”

The exact date is yet to be arranged, but it is rumoured that the location will be somewhere near the gare.

More info as we receive it.

New season of Narcos starts filming in Esch

Eager fans of the famous Netflix series “Narcos” will be pleased to know that the new season is currently being filmed in Esch sur Alzette.

Local residents reported that the scenes being filmed were very realistic and almost gave the impression of being a city of crime, just like a real city.

After filming in various locations around the country, the new season is expected to be out after some ridiculously long period of time, like 2020 or something.