Calais Migrants to launch new Ferry service after Brexit

As the countdown to Brexit gets lower, migrants at the famous “Calais Jungle Camp” have got together to launch a new business opportunity.

Claiming to have more operating boats than Seaborne Freight, the service will launch on the final day of March, 2019.

After Seaborne Freight lost the €13.8 million contract to operate between the UK and the EU, the migrants launched their own business which will deal with regular transport across the channel for a fraction of the price of previous boat companies.

Using a “Ryanair” approach to facilities and basic needs, the new boat company hopes to transport up to 10,000 passengers a week across the channel.

French authorities have given the project the go ahead and have encouraged the service with a tax-free offer that is valid for several months during the start up process.

Several of the “Jungle Camp’s” residents were very pleased with the new initiative.

“We have a lot of problems with obtaining transport”, said one resident. “Finally now we can travel across the sea and not be held back by unnecessary Euro Tunnel security measures.”

 

 

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Growing concern over new yellow jacket protests

Authorities have expressed concerns over fresh protests by yellow jackets around the Grand Duchy.

The creche attendees have been protesting over the price of attending creche in Luxembourg.

“Every year the price rises for young children to attend creche.” said one spokesman.

“We are being stretched to a limit where our Christmas gifts are being reduced. It cannot continue!”

Police are currently on standby for any signs of unrest.

More info as it comes.

Bettel to tax cross border workers for not tipping restaurant staff

Xavier Bettel this morning proposed a new law which would see tax reforms come in that would make up for lost revenue from lack of bar and restaurant staff tips.

Under the new law, French cross border workers would be penalised when crossing the border by being made to put at least 2 euros into a tip box located at the side of the motorway where border posts are, or on the final train stations platforms just inside the Luxembourg borders.

A government spokesman said “The fact is that the French are well known for giving little, or no tips. With all the money they earn here, they should be tipping bar and restaurant staff much better, but they don’t. So we will reclaim that money at the border.”

New UK Passports to be made from hemp

News broke this morning that the new blue UK Passports will be made from hemp after Franco-Dutch company Gemalto revealed they will be taking care of production.

Brexiteers reacted furiously after news broke that the passports wouldn’t be being produced in some local shit hole factory in a strange northern town, populated by inbreds left behind after all the Polish people left.

It was revealed that the use of hemp was initiated after deciding to remind UK citizens of what they gave up with regards to having easy access to Holland and also to set off the border patrol drug searcher dogs at the airport, just to “rub it in.”

There are also plans to include Deli-France vouchers towards the back of the passport book that would give up to 20% discounts to coupon holders, but would make little difference as the prices would be increasing anyway.

Further reactions are unpredictable, as it was also revealed that production would take place in France.

French companies are currently recruiting as many French beret wearing, onion peelers as possible to work in production factories.

French public ready to strike and have a riot, regardless of election result

A survey performed this week about the French public’s opinion about the final results of the national election have proved to be reasonably neutral.

In the run down to the final voting session between Le Pen and Macron, it would seem that either way this turns, the French are ready to call in a national strike and plan to destroy their neighbourhoods once again.

“We do not like any politicians”, commented one man in the street. “They can all go to hell”.

Benelux News is currently setting up various spots around France and will bring you the news on the situation as it breaks.