Calais Migrants to launch new Ferry service after Brexit

As the countdown to Brexit gets lower, migrants at the famous “Calais Jungle Camp” have got together to launch a new business opportunity.

Claiming to have more operating boats than Seaborne Freight, the service will launch on the final day of March, 2019.

After Seaborne Freight lost the €13.8 million contract to operate between the UK and the EU, the migrants launched their own business which will deal with regular transport across the channel for a fraction of the price of previous boat companies.

Using a “Ryanair” approach to facilities and basic needs, the new boat company hopes to transport up to 10,000 passengers a week across the channel.

French authorities have given the project the go ahead and have encouraged the service with a tax-free offer that is valid for several months during the start up process.

Several of the “Jungle Camp’s” residents were very pleased with the new initiative.

“We have a lot of problems with obtaining transport”, said one resident. “Finally now we can travel across the sea and not be held back by unnecessary Euro Tunnel security measures.”

 

 

Advertisements

Pinky and the Brain to join Theresa May’s new cabinet

This afternoon, after the shock departure of David Davis and Boris Johnson, it was announced that Pinky and the Brain (Minus et Cortex) would join the UK Government to specialise in Brexit negotiations and general strategy of the UK’s involvement in international relations.

More details will be made later as to more specific roles of each character as the UK Tory government becomes more formed.

New UK Passports to be made from hemp

News broke this morning that the new blue UK Passports will be made from hemp after Franco-Dutch company Gemalto revealed they will be taking care of production.

Brexiteers reacted furiously after news broke that the passports wouldn’t be being produced in some local shit hole factory in a strange northern town, populated by inbreds left behind after all the Polish people left.

It was revealed that the use of hemp was initiated after deciding to remind UK citizens of what they gave up with regards to having easy access to Holland and also to set off the border patrol drug searcher dogs at the airport, just to “rub it in.”

There are also plans to include Deli-France vouchers towards the back of the passport book that would give up to 20% discounts to coupon holders, but would make little difference as the prices would be increasing anyway.

Further reactions are unpredictable, as it was also revealed that production would take place in France.

French companies are currently recruiting as many French beret wearing, onion peelers as possible to work in production factories.

England suffering final winter before post Brexit permanent summer

The UK braced itself for the last ever full winter before Brexit kicks in.

According to forecasts by Pro Brexit voters, after March 2019, the weather will be permanently sunny and hot and there won’t be anything to worry about after Brexit kicks in.

Record numbers of swimming pools have already been ordered ready for the permanent heat wave, as well as a massive increase in British people applying for jobs as highly paid ice-cream van drivers.

Brexit supporters IQ reaches a new low

Shock rippled through Europe today after two of Britain’s biggest Brexit supporters travelled freely through the eurozone to take a stupid photo.

Using their open border passports for travel, they decided to take a photo disapproving the very agreement that allowed them to travel to do so.

Echoes of laughter could be heard throughout the surrounding countryside as the pair of muppets put their thumbs down next to the sign of Schengen.

Interpol have been informed and are currently seeking to close the border between France and UK before the pair reach Calais.

Should anyone encounter this pair on the way home, the EU has granted free permission to punch them in the face.

Hollerich officially files for independence

The area of Hollerich in Luxembourg City has officially applied for independence on the same day as Brexit.

Plans are apparently in place for a “Las Vegas” type area with it’s own currency and economic system in place.

“The idea of Freedom For Hollerich (FFH) came about years ago.” Said one resident. “We always wanted to have a Vegas style area and for years we have worked on it. We wanted Casinos, Night Clubs and Hookers. So far we have the hookers and night clubs, all we need now are casinos. With current Luxembourgish law, we cannot have a casino placed in the area. So we are going for independence.”

The new currency, known as “Holler Dollars” has already been printed and is expected to launch onto the market with a high value.

More to come on this story, but Benelux News supports Freedom For Hollerich.