Growing concern Covid19 could mutate into Man Flu

Leading experts are facing growing concerns that Covid-19 (Corona Virus) could potentially mutate into Man-Flu within the next six months.

The virus has shown symptoms of becoming far stronger than originally thought and could progress into something far more serious, threatening the worlds male population.

Although many doubt that the Corona Virus could reach such strong measures, some are getting prepared early.

Families around the world are being asked to stock up on hot chocolate, tea, chocolate biscuits and haribo.

Should such an outbreak occur, wives and partners are being asked to stay on red alert.

EU police start deporting Brexit Brits

Police forces across Europe today started a Europe wide round up of Brexit Brits and sending them home.

Police forces in Amsterdam, Ibiza, Prague and many others began the raids at around 5am this morning in preparation for the UK’s official exit from the EU at midnight tonight.

Countries who had experienced particular troubles with “Brits Abroad” including football hooligans, stag nights and English yobs were particularly eager to get rid of the idiots who creep onto the continent due to lax laws on immigration into the Schengen zone.

Starting on 1st Feb 2020, there will be a visa system in place to keep the idiots out, with France even considering bricking up the entrance to the Channel Tunnel towards the end of the year.

“Certain measures will be in place to keep out the idiots”, said a Police spokesman. “We fully intend to keep out Barry and the lads from Clacton-On-Sea, as well as Kev and Darren and their 20 pints challenge.”

Crowds of local residents gathered in various cities to applaud the work of the Police.

 

Hot weather gives legal right to drive like an idiot

Audi drivers rejoiced this morning after it was announced by local governments across Europe that the hot weather provides a legal excuse in order to drive like an idiot.

In a rare situation where BMW drivers were able to agree with Audi drivers, it seems that having the roof down and playing extremely loud reggaeton music is temporarily legal for a brief period of time while the sun shines brightly down on Europe.

Cutting corners and being a road hog with also be acceptable during the summer months.

Hotels compete for Worlds smallest glass of orange juice

This summer, Europe saw its hotels compete for the world title of “Smallest Glass of Orange Juice at Breakfast.”

Competition was fierce with some hotels offering only small shot glasses in attempts to save money and gain the title.

Many hotel visitors reported multiple trips to the juice machine and long queues each time as demand soared to quench their thirst before the day started.

Results are yet to be published for the winners.

Pinky and the Brain to join Theresa May’s new cabinet

This afternoon, after the shock departure of David Davis and Boris Johnson, it was announced that Pinky and the Brain (Minus et Cortex) would join the UK Government to specialise in Brexit negotiations and general strategy of the UK’s involvement in international relations.

More details will be made later as to more specific roles of each character as the UK Tory government becomes more formed.

New UK Passports to be made from hemp

News broke this morning that the new blue UK Passports will be made from hemp after Franco-Dutch company Gemalto revealed they will be taking care of production.

Brexiteers reacted furiously after news broke that the passports wouldn’t be being produced in some local shit hole factory in a strange northern town, populated by inbreds left behind after all the Polish people left.

It was revealed that the use of hemp was initiated after deciding to remind UK citizens of what they gave up with regards to having easy access to Holland and also to set off the border patrol drug searcher dogs at the airport, just to “rub it in.”

There are also plans to include Deli-France vouchers towards the back of the passport book that would give up to 20% discounts to coupon holders, but would make little difference as the prices would be increasing anyway.

Further reactions are unpredictable, as it was also revealed that production would take place in France.

French companies are currently recruiting as many French beret wearing, onion peelers as possible to work in production factories.

Nobody really sure why train stations exist between Arlon and Namur

A recent survey revealed that regular train passengers who travel from Luxembourg to Brussels have absolutely no idea why train stations even exist between Arlon and Namur.

The frustratingly slow train which travels between 2 major European cities has come under fire for being totally boring and even going as far as ridiculing the silly hats worn by train ticket collectors. 

But the big mystery seems to be why Belgian authorities have decided to build train stations in the middle of nowhere. 

Jean-Pierre is a regular commuter on Belgian trains; “I just don’t get it. Nobody ever gets on and nobody ever gets off. It’s like Willy Wonkas chocolate factory.”

His statement was backed up by a fellow passenger. “I saw a scout group get on once at Gembloux. It was very strange. I guess they had been camping somewhere in the great outdoors.”