Hot weather gives legal right to drive like an idiot

Audi drivers rejoiced this morning after it was announced by local governments across Europe that the hot weather provides a legal excuse in order to drive like an idiot.

In a rare situation where BMW drivers were able to agree with Audi drivers, it seems that having the roof down and playing extremely loud reggaeton music is temporarily legal for a brief period of time while the sun shines brightly down on Europe.

Cutting corners and being a road hog with also be acceptable during the summer months.

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Calais Migrants to launch new Ferry service after Brexit

As the countdown to Brexit gets lower, migrants at the famous “Calais Jungle Camp” have got together to launch a new business opportunity.

Claiming to have more operating boats than Seaborne Freight, the service will launch on the final day of March, 2019.

After Seaborne Freight lost the €13.8 million contract to operate between the UK and the EU, the migrants launched their own business which will deal with regular transport across the channel for a fraction of the price of previous boat companies.

Using a “Ryanair” approach to facilities and basic needs, the new boat company hopes to transport up to 10,000 passengers a week across the channel.

French authorities have given the project the go ahead and have encouraged the service with a tax-free offer that is valid for several months during the start up process.

Several of the “Jungle Camp’s” residents were very pleased with the new initiative.

“We have a lot of problems with obtaining transport”, said one resident. “Finally now we can travel across the sea and not be held back by unnecessary Euro Tunnel security measures.”

 

 

Lux residents warned not to drink in bars that use little measuring things

A government alert was sent out today to warn Luxembourg residents not to drink in venues that use “silly little measuring things.”

As part of a government clampdown on boring establishments, the silly little measuring things, known as jiggers, are officially recognised as party killers and just put people off buying drinks. Especially when you pay an average of 12 euros for most drinks using spirits.

Benelux News got an exclusive interview with one party regular.

“It’s like they are just killing the fun.” Said the woman. “We are paying a lot of money for these drinks and the last thing we need us some boring party pooper to ‘limit’ our fun.”

Government advice given to bars is to stop being meanies and get the party started!

Study confirms McDonalds manager is absolute tosser

A recent study between customers and workers confirmed today that the majority of McDonalds managers are absolute tossers.

The recent findings were confirmed by workers who witnessed the managers saying to senior management that they will “turn this company around” and “we can hit our peak of shit burger sales under my command.”

The managers were witnessed to be smart arse bastards while making their employees and teams feel like shit while serving shit burgers.

Crap haircuts were also widely reported.

Growing concern over new yellow jacket protests

Authorities have expressed concerns over fresh protests by yellow jackets around the Grand Duchy.

The creche attendees have been protesting over the price of attending creche in Luxembourg.

“Every year the price rises for young children to attend creche.” said one spokesman.

“We are being stretched to a limit where our Christmas gifts are being reduced. It cannot continue!”

Police are currently on standby for any signs of unrest.

More info as it comes.

Ryanair Customer Service department finally located in Sahara Desert

Images made their way back to Europe today of Ryanair’s Customer Service department after several passengers went on a trip to try to get their money back from the cancellations in 2017.

After cancelling nearly half a million passengers’ journeys in 2017 and still not refunding the money, the disgruntled customers set out to try to get some answers.

Despite finding the office in the Sahara Desert, there was a sign on the wall saying that the department was on strike with no date given as to the return.

Hotels compete for Worlds smallest glass of orange juice

This summer, Europe saw its hotels compete for the world title of “Smallest Glass of Orange Juice at Breakfast.”

Competition was fierce with some hotels offering only small shot glasses in attempts to save money and gain the title.

Many hotel visitors reported multiple trips to the juice machine and long queues each time as demand soared to quench their thirst before the day started.

Results are yet to be published for the winners.