Leading experts are facing growing concerns that Covid-19 (Corona Virus) could potentially mutate into Man-Flu within the next six months.
The virus has shown symptoms of becoming far stronger than originally thought and could progress into something far more serious, threatening the worlds male population.
Although many doubt that the Corona Virus could reach such strong measures, some are getting prepared early.
Families around the world are being asked to stock up on hot chocolate, tea, chocolate biscuits and haribo.
Should such an outbreak occur, wives and partners are being asked to stay on red alert.
The weekly Paris riots could be cancelled due to fear of the spread of the Corona virus.
Experts have warned that rioters could spread the infection through gathering in large groups.
However, riot organisers have argued that they already wear masks to many of the events and have assured authorities that they will thoroughly wash their hands before throwing molotov cocktails and setting alight to cars.
Marc, who normally riots on a Saturday afternoon said “If there are too many people gathered who could spread the Corona virus on the weekend, then maybe I will consider rioting on a Monday when there are less people on the streets.”
Talks are still underway.
Police forces across Europe today started a Europe wide round up of Brexit Brits and sending them home.
Police forces in Amsterdam, Ibiza, Prague and many others began the raids at around 5am this morning in preparation for the UK’s official exit from the EU at midnight tonight.
Countries who had experienced particular troubles with “Brits Abroad” including football hooligans, stag nights and English yobs were particularly eager to get rid of the idiots who creep onto the continent due to lax laws on immigration into the Schengen zone.
Starting on 1st Feb 2020, there will be a visa system in place to keep the idiots out, with France even considering bricking up the entrance to the Channel Tunnel towards the end of the year.
“Certain measures will be in place to keep out the idiots”, said a Police spokesman. “We fully intend to keep out Barry and the lads from Clacton-On-Sea, as well as Kev and Darren and their 20 pints challenge.”
Crowds of local residents gathered in various cities to applaud the work of the Police.
Audi drivers rejoiced this morning after it was announced by local governments across Europe that the hot weather provides a legal excuse in order to drive like an idiot.
In a rare situation where BMW drivers were able to agree with Audi drivers, it seems that having the roof down and playing extremely loud reggaeton music is temporarily legal for a brief period of time while the sun shines brightly down on Europe.
Cutting corners and being a road hog with also be acceptable during the summer months.
As the countdown to Brexit gets lower, migrants at the famous “Calais Jungle Camp” have got together to launch a new business opportunity.
Claiming to have more operating boats than Seaborne Freight, the service will launch on the final day of March, 2019.
After Seaborne Freight lost the €13.8 million contract to operate between the UK and the EU, the migrants launched their own business which will deal with regular transport across the channel for a fraction of the price of previous boat companies.
Using a “Ryanair” approach to facilities and basic needs, the new boat company hopes to transport up to 10,000 passengers a week across the channel.
French authorities have given the project the go ahead and have encouraged the service with a tax-free offer that is valid for several months during the start up process.
Several of the “Jungle Camp’s” residents were very pleased with the new initiative.
“We have a lot of problems with obtaining transport”, said one resident. “Finally now we can travel across the sea and not be held back by unnecessary Euro Tunnel security measures.”
A government alert was sent out today to warn Luxembourg residents not to drink in venues that use “silly little measuring things.”
As part of a government clampdown on boring establishments, the silly little measuring things, known as jiggers, are officially recognised as party killers and just put people off buying drinks. Especially when you pay an average of 12 euros for most drinks using spirits.
Benelux News got an exclusive interview with one party regular.
“It’s like they are just killing the fun.” Said the woman. “We are paying a lot of money for these drinks and the last thing we need us some boring party pooper to ‘limit’ our fun.”
Government advice given to bars is to stop being meanies and get the party started!
A recent study between customers and workers confirmed today that the majority of McDonalds managers are absolute tossers.
The recent findings were confirmed by workers who witnessed the managers saying to senior management that they will “turn this company around” and “we can hit our peak of shit burger sales under my command.”
The managers were witnessed to be smart arse bastards while making their employees and teams feel like shit while serving shit burgers.
Crap haircuts were also widely reported.