Luxembourg to host world’s first drink driving championships

Luxembourg has been selected to host the world’s first drink driving championships as part of its national branding campaign.

Thousands of competitors have been waiting for years for the opportunity to compete in the event and finally their dreams are coming true.

Drink driving has been an unofficial sport in the grand duchy for years thanks to phenomenally high taxi prices and lack of long distance late night transport.

Regional heats will be organised between the city and Grevenmacher as well as Echternach and Diekirch.

Drivers are expected to tackle tight corners while overtaking cars at high speeds.

Extensive training regimes will be in place to assure drivers that because they own a new BMW, it means they are invincible on the roads.

Plastic gold star badges will be awarded to the winners as well as social recognition from their well connected local commune friends.

Losers will probably get a small fine.

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“More research needed” claim Luxembourg drinkers.

Following the results of previous years, Luxembourg’s drinkers claim that further essential research is required for investigating global beers and wines.

Due to a lack of memory last years results have been confirmed as “inconclusive” and thus requires further investigation and more essential funding is required.

“We need to be sure about the results,” claimed one investigator.

“There is no other choice.”

Luxembourg International Bazaar happens this weekend.

Desperate alcoholic refuses to drink free Fox beer

Shock ripped through the country today as a known alcoholic turned down a bottle of free Fox beer.

The man from Petange was counting through some loose change while walking in to a bar where a promotion for Fox beer was happening.

The so called “beer” was being offered for free by the bar staff partly because of a promotion and partly because they wanted to get rid of it.

Despite the alcoholic’s short money situation, he turned and went back home.

Benelux News caught up with the man at his home to ask him why.

“It tastes like absolute piss,” said the man. “I would rather drink from a sewer instead of that crap. Even American Budweiser tastes better than that crap!”

Luxembourg residents advised to stock up on beer in case of being snowed in 

Authorities issued a warning to all Luxembourg residents this morning to stock up on additional beer during the winter season.

As reports came in of more snow being forecast, the government decided to act quickly.

Benelux News was first to receive the announcement and managed to get a quick interview.

“We could see possible dangers coming.” Said a spokesman. “We decided that we need to act quickly to prevent and panic. We have spoken with the necessary suppliers and can confirm that there will be extra supplies being brought in. We are not taking any chances.”

3 days of national mourning declared after beer spillage on roundabout

Xavier Bettel today declared 3 days of national mourning after a massive beer spillage on a roundabout between Holtzhum and Hosingen.

Local police arrived quickly at the scene with straws to try to save what they could. But the beers were declared dead at the scene.

A 1 minute silence will be held in bars across the country at 12 midday on Thursday.

All local residents have been advised to consume as much beer as possible, as you never know what will happen next.

 

“Christmas is a time for giving” claims barman charging €3.50 for a 25cl beer at Christmas Market

People this year were reminded that Christmas is a time for giving while Christmas stands were charging customers higher prices for drinks and food than normal bars.

While paying just €40 a day for stall rent and having volunteer staff working his Christmas stall, the local man running the stand said; “It’s a time for giving and what better way than to give me all their money?!”

“I try to be as tight as possible with drinks and food and just hope that the Christmas music playing all around will distract the people from the fact that I am ripping them off. It’s certainly worked so far!”

When asked by Benelux News team how much he pays to buy in certain goods, he suddenly became busy and not available for comment.