“Close the f*cking door!” season officially starts.

After the Schueberfouer has ended, the official season of “close the f*cking door” officially starts.

Bar, restaurant and cafe customers are being warned about on the spot fines for people who leave the door open after entering or exiting a premises.

Fines can be up to €250 for anyone who leaves the door open or holds the door open for their friend who is still chatting for more than 30 seconds.

The public are advised to remain vigilant and to report any unnecessary door opening behaviour.

Boring people launch petition to ban EVERYTHING

The national society for people who never get invited to parties launched an online petition this morning in a bid to ban absolutely any form of leisure or fun.

4,500 signatures are required in order for the proposed law to be discussed in Parliament and has already gained over 100 signatures.

The ban will include just about every fun activity, but if the activity cannot be banned then measures will be taken to make sure the activity is made as tedious as possible.

Not happy with banning smoking indoors, the ban proposes banning smoking on terraces and in the open air.

Bars and cafes are to have lines drawn around the premises, clearly showing where you are allowed to stand and where to breathe.

The lines will also extend on to the street to help Darwin award contestants figure out how to walk down the street.

Signs and announcements explaining how to use stairs and escalators will also be displayed, just for those people who haven’t figured out how to walk up down stairs after all these years.

“Fun” will be restricted to certain hours not going past 7pm which will restrict concerts to certain times and the music must not be loud at all. Audiences will also have to stand in exact marked spots or face being ejected from venues with the excuse of “insurance reasons” given in as vague a way as possible.

Bars and clubs will be closed by 7pm in case someone who lives 2kms away thinks they hear a cockroach fart and blames the bar owners.

Benelux News caught up with one voter who moved to Luxembourg from London 3 years ago.

“I just wanted to whine about everything I could” she said. “I never get invited to parties so why not moan and complain about everything. I moved here for the relaxing way of life and open mindedness, but I voted because I want to mess it up for no logical reason whatsoever.”

We waved good bye as she drove away in her highly polluting car while giving an angry look to a man smoking a cigarette on the neighbouring terrace.

More updates on the petition results as they come in.

Desperate alcoholic refuses to drink free Fox beer

Shock ripped through the country today as a known alcoholic turned down a bottle of free Fox beer.

The man from Petange was counting through some loose change while walking in to a bar where a promotion for Fox beer was happening.

The so called “beer” was being offered for free by the bar staff partly because of a promotion and partly because they wanted to get rid of it.

Despite the alcoholic’s short money situation, he turned and went back home.

Benelux News caught up with the man at his home to ask him why.

“It tastes like absolute piss,” said the man. “I would rather drink from a sewer instead of that crap. Even American Budweiser tastes better than that crap!”

Owning a bar while being a dickhead to be made illegal by 2020

A new law was voted 98/2 today at the Chambre des Deputies making it official that any new bars opening in Luxembourg cannot be owned by a dickhead, it was announced today.

Strict laws will be brought in to force, making it compulsory for all new applications to be filed by “only cool people.” 

The surprising vote came after a recent survey found that a growing number of bars are run by dickheads. 

“Although most bar owners are pretty cool,” said a spokesman. “We want to filter out the number of self-centered dickheads that don’t have so many people visiting and increase the nicer people running bars and don’t have a problem with that fact that there are other businesses trying just as hard as them to have a nice life here.”

Schueberfouer announces new VIP bar exclusively for married cousins

Luxembourg’s famous Schueberfouer announced this morning that there will be a new bar set up within the event that will be open exclusively for married cousins. 

The announcement came after market research revealed a big demand from people from the north of Luxembourg wanting a place to have fun with their relatives.

A variety of events will be announced including; Incest Speed Dating and Cousin Car Key Swapping. 

Organisers hope this will attract a larger part of the northern population to visit the event.

More events to be announced soon.

Parents planning to take screaming kids to over 18 drinking establishments this weekend 

Parents around the country are planning on taking their kids to bars this week in celebration of the hot weather. 

The children will be forced to attend lunches and various activities in over 18s drinking establishments where adults will be trying to enjoy a cold beer in the sun.

“I just let my kids scream and run around”,  said one father.

“If anyone complains, we will just give them a funny look like they shouldn’t be in a pub if they don’t like kids.”

Concerns are growing amongst the adult drinking community as strip clubs are increasingly becoming the only places to retreat for a quiet beer. But as the prices rise and the strippers get pregnant, it seems only a matter of time until strip clubs get converted in to creches.

Measures are being taken by a certain few, such as secretly giving the hyperactive kids Red Bull just 5 minutes before they leave the bar.

Entire bar waits 2 hours to be served as wanker orders 7 different gin & tonics

Crowd control security was called in to a city centre bar last weekend as people waited to be served.

According to witnesses, a man ordered 7 different Gin & Tonics for his friends which made waiting times even worse than normal. 

Each recipe required various bar staff to collect ingredients from different sections of the bar which included the stock room and even borrowing ingredients from neighbouring businesses. 

The entire fiasco ended after over 2 hours and the bar is now revising it’s drinks menu and service plan.

Local man googling about Superbowl in attempt to look knowledgable in the bar tonight

A local man has spent most of Sunday afternoon frantically googling about American Football in an attempt to gain popularity with his friends during the Superbowl.

Having had absolutely no knowledge about American Football before, he is determined to try to win over friends tonight, as some bars will  be opening extra late to show the game.

“I had no idea they use their hands with a football,” he said while taking a quick break from researching. “It just doesn’t make any sense at all. Why don’t they call it Hand Ball? I hope I can find enough knowledge on the internet or I won’t be able to appear to have a valid excuse to stay in the bar late tonight.”

As reporters left, he appeared to be practising his “yeah, I know all about that” facial expressions while pretending to become engrossed in what was on the TV screen.

We think he will do just fine.


Entire bar freezes to death while “considerate” man holds door open for girlfriend 

Outrage erupted from the clientele of a city centre bar today as a man trying to act considerately, held the door open for over a minute, while his girlfriend said good bye to some friends.

The incident happened just after lunch, after the man’s girlfriend started talking to some friends she bumped into just after finishing their meal.

As they had to leave to get back to the office, the man stood by the door and held it open in an act of selfish consideration while the rest of the clients froze.

“The feeling throughout the bar was one of absolute hatred and disgust,” said one of the clients. “We still hate him, even hours after.”

Bar visitors have been advised by the government not to be complete muppets duting the winter season. 

New bar owner convinced that the general public are rich

A new bar opened in the city centre last week which is hoping to cause quite a stir.

The bar owner has so far spent the last 6 days convincing himself that the crowds of people are on their way from their homes to spend money on over priced drinks.

“I made my prices ridiculously high so that people would think it’s cool to be here,” the bar owner said. “Despite the fact that we are serving the same drinks as anywhere else, by charging stupidly high prices, people will hopefully think we are somewhere cool and different.” 

At €15 a Mojito and €4 a small beer, it could just be the wankiest place in town.