Luxembourg to host world’s first drink driving championships

Luxembourg has been selected to host the world’s first drink driving championships as part of its national branding campaign.

Thousands of competitors have been waiting for years for the opportunity to compete in the event and finally their dreams are coming true.

Drink driving has been an unofficial sport in the grand duchy for years thanks to phenomenally high taxi prices and lack of long distance late night transport.

Regional heats will be organised between the city and Grevenmacher as well as Echternach and Diekirch.

Drivers are expected to tackle tight corners while overtaking cars at high speeds.

Extensive training regimes will be in place to assure drivers that because they own a new BMW, it means they are invincible on the roads.

Plastic gold star badges will be awarded to the winners as well as social recognition from their well connected local commune friends.

Losers will probably get a small fine.

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Lux residents warned not to drink in bars that use little measuring things

A government alert was sent out today to warn Luxembourg residents not to drink in venues that use “silly little measuring things.”

As part of a government clampdown on boring establishments, the silly little measuring things, known as jiggers, are officially recognised as party killers and just put people off buying drinks. Especially when you pay an average of 12 euros for most drinks using spirits.

Benelux News got an exclusive interview with one party regular.

“It’s like they are just killing the fun.” Said the woman. “We are paying a lot of money for these drinks and the last thing we need us some boring party pooper to ‘limit’ our fun.”

Government advice given to bars is to stop being meanies and get the party started!

Desperate alcoholic refuses to drink free Fox beer

Shock ripped through the country today as a known alcoholic turned down a bottle of free Fox beer.

The man from Petange was counting through some loose change while walking in to a bar where a promotion for Fox beer was happening.

The so called “beer” was being offered for free by the bar staff partly because of a promotion and partly because they wanted to get rid of it.

Despite the alcoholic’s short money situation, he turned and went back home.

Benelux News caught up with the man at his home to ask him why.

“It tastes like absolute piss,” said the man. “I would rather drink from a sewer instead of that crap. Even American Budweiser tastes better than that crap!”