Authorities discover secret cafes under schools

A big surprise this week as authorities discovered several secretly hidden bars, cafes, restaurants and discos this week underneath a number of primary schools across the country.

As covid cases raised steadily among pupils, leading the government to make decisions to close schools, it seems that the new spread of the virus seems to have come from the underground caves hosting the illegal restaurants.

Students as young as 4 have been rumoured to regularly drink in these establishments, prompting an enquiry by the Police.

“It is now clear where this is coming from,” said an education spokesperson. “By shutting down the schools, we can therefore stop the students going into the secret restaurants and stop the spread once and for all.”

Lux residents warned not to drink in bars that use little measuring things

A government alert was sent out today to warn Luxembourg residents not to drink in venues that use “silly little measuring things.”

As part of a government clampdown on boring establishments, the silly little measuring things, known as jiggers, are officially recognised as party killers and just put people off buying drinks. Especially when you pay an average of 12 euros for most drinks using spirits.

Benelux News got an exclusive interview with one party regular.

“It’s like they are just killing the fun.” Said the woman. “We are paying a lot of money for these drinks and the last thing we need us some boring party pooper to ‘limit’ our fun.”

Government advice given to bars is to stop being meanies and get the party started!

Panic as dozens of men report being snowed in to the bar

Panic spread across the country this afternoon as dozens of men phoned home saying they are snowed in to various bars and cafes.

Harsh weather conditions are to blame as emergency services claim to be unable to help.

“Emergency services are currently stretched to the max dealing with various traffic incidents on the roads.” Claimed a spokesman. “The only thing we can recommend at this time is to stay put and leave at a time when they feel safe enough to travel home.”

Benelux News does not advise anyone trapped in a bar to take any unnecessary risks.

Owning a bar while being a dickhead to be made illegal by 2020

A new law was voted 98/2 today at the Chambre des Deputies making it official that any new bars opening in Luxembourg cannot be owned by a dickhead, it was announced today.

Strict laws will be brought in to force, making it compulsory for all new applications to be filed by “only cool people.” 

The surprising vote came after a recent survey found that a growing number of bars are run by dickheads. 

“Although most bar owners are pretty cool,” said a spokesman. “We want to filter out the number of self-centered dickheads that don’t have so many people visiting and increase the nicer people running bars and don’t have a problem with that fact that there are other businesses trying just as hard as them to have a nice life here.”