Lux residents warned not to drink in bars that use little measuring things

A government alert was sent out today to warn Luxembourg residents not to drink in venues that use “silly little measuring things.”

As part of a government clampdown on boring establishments, the silly little measuring things, known as jiggers, are officially recognised as party killers and just put people off buying drinks. Especially when you pay an average of 12 euros for most drinks using spirits.

Benelux News got an exclusive interview with one party regular.

“It’s like they are just killing the fun.” Said the woman. “We are paying a lot of money for these drinks and the last thing we need us some boring party pooper to ‘limit’ our fun.”

Government advice given to bars is to stop being meanies and get the party started!

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“Close the f*cking door!” season officially starts.

After the Schueberfouer has ended, the official season of “close the f*cking door” officially starts.

Bar, restaurant and cafe customers are being warned about on the spot fines for people who leave the door open after entering or exiting a premises.

Fines can be up to €250 for anyone who leaves the door open or holds the door open for their friend who is still chatting for more than 30 seconds.

The public are advised to remain vigilant and to report any unnecessary door opening behaviour.

Boring people launch petition to ban EVERYTHING

The national society for people who never get invited to parties launched an online petition this morning in a bid to ban absolutely any form of leisure or fun.

4,500 signatures are required in order for the proposed law to be discussed in Parliament and has already gained over 100 signatures.

The ban will include just about every fun activity, but if the activity cannot be banned then measures will be taken to make sure the activity is made as tedious as possible.

Not happy with banning smoking indoors, the ban proposes banning smoking on terraces and in the open air.

Bars and cafes are to have lines drawn around the premises, clearly showing where you are allowed to stand and where to breathe.

The lines will also extend on to the street to help Darwin award contestants figure out how to walk down the street.

Signs and announcements explaining how to use stairs and escalators will also be displayed, just for those people who haven’t figured out how to walk up down stairs after all these years.

“Fun” will be restricted to certain hours not going past 7pm which will restrict concerts to certain times and the music must not be loud at all. Audiences will also have to stand in exact marked spots or face being ejected from venues with the excuse of “insurance reasons” given in as vague a way as possible.

Bars and clubs will be closed by 7pm in case someone who lives 2kms away thinks they hear a cockroach fart and blames the bar owners.

Benelux News caught up with one voter who moved to Luxembourg from London 3 years ago.

“I just wanted to whine about everything I could” she said. “I never get invited to parties so why not moan and complain about everything. I moved here for the relaxing way of life and open mindedness, but I voted because I want to mess it up for no logical reason whatsoever.”

We waved good bye as she drove away in her highly polluting car while giving an angry look to a man smoking a cigarette on the neighbouring terrace.

More updates on the petition results as they come in.