“Close the f*cking door!” season officially starts.

After the Schueberfouer has ended, the official season of “close the f*cking door” officially starts.

Bar, restaurant and cafe customers are being warned about on the spot fines for people who leave the door open after entering or exiting a premises.

Fines can be up to €250 for anyone who leaves the door open or holds the door open for their friend who is still chatting for more than 30 seconds.

The public are advised to remain vigilant and to report any unnecessary door opening behaviour.

People who eat with their mouth open to be deported

Xavier Bettel this weekend managed to pass a new law that will see noisy eaters and people who eat with their mouth open be deported from Luxembourg.

The new law, which was passed with a 99% majority, bypasses all existing refugee and immigration laws, will hopefully be brought in before Christmas.

“By introducing this law as quickly as possible, we hope to brighten families Christmas dinners and meals for all of our citizens for years to come.” said a spokesman.

As the new law stands, offenders will be deported back to their country of origin, while any national passport holder will be held in solitary confinement in the old hospital in Ettelbréck for up to 6 months, and released part time in order to learn how to eat properly.

Shop selling absolute crap somehow still in business

Mystery surrounds many shops in Luxembourg, between a mix of lazy service and rude shopkeepers, overpriced goods and just bizarre items on sale.

Benelux News has also come across several shops that sell absolute crap and somehow manage to stay in business after many years.

With rent so high for shops and commercial places, the general public seems to be completely baffled as to how they can afford to open the doors every morning.

In an exclusive interview with one shop owner, she said: “We have been winging it for almost 19 years now. I have no clue how we have done it. It’s usually just my friends who pop in to say hello. No customers really, apart from the odd guy looking for late, cbeap Christmas presents.”

How long they will last, only time will tell.

Entire bar freezes to death while “considerate” man holds door open for girlfriend 

Outrage erupted from the clientele of a city centre bar today as a man trying to act considerately, held the door open for over a minute, while his girlfriend said good bye to some friends.

The incident happened just after lunch, after the man’s girlfriend started talking to some friends she bumped into just after finishing their meal.

As they had to leave to get back to the office, the man stood by the door and held it open in an act of selfish consideration while the rest of the clients froze.

“The feeling throughout the bar was one of absolute hatred and disgust,” said one of the clients. “We still hate him, even hours after.”

Bar visitors have been advised by the government not to be complete muppets duting the winter season.