Category: Uncategorized

Ibiza clubs to close as Lydie Polfer plans holiday

by Benelux News, posted in Uncategorized

News spread across Europe from the White Isle this afternoon that Ibiza clubs may be forced to close for the duration of time that Lydie Polfer, Luxembourg’s City Mayor, could visit for a holiday.

Lydie ‘Party Pooper’ Polfer is rumoured to be travelling to the White Isle this summer and is likely to disagree with many young people having fun while on the island.

After giving out many restrictions to the nightlife industry in recent months, the plan is to expand across Europe.

The nightlife industry, which is struggling to get back on its feet after the pandemic, is naturally not happy and urges to remind ‘Party Pooper Polfer’ that the people who attend nightlife events are voters too.

Early closing times for various events have left many people stranded without transport options to get home and created a sense of frustration. With calls for the Party Pooper to resign.

Putin challenges Trump to vaccine vodka challenge

by Benelux News, posted in Uncategorized

Upon the announcement of a potential vaccine for Covid-19, Russian president Vladimir Putin immediately challenged US president Donald Trump to a drinking game.

The vaccine vodka challenge involves each participant drinking one shot after the other until one of them passes out.

The last one standing, wins.

A response is yet to be received from the White House.

Entire bar freezes to death while “considerate” man holds door open for girlfriend 

by Benelux News, posted in Uncategorized

Outrage erupted from the clientele of a city centre bar today as a man trying to act considerately, held the door open for over a minute, while his girlfriend said good bye to some friends.

The incident happened just after lunch, after the man’s girlfriend started talking to some friends she bumped into just after finishing their meal.

As they had to leave to get back to the office, the man stood by the door and held it open in an act of selfish consideration while the rest of the clients froze.

“The feeling throughout the bar was one of absolute hatred and disgust,” said one of the clients. “We still hate him, even hours after.”

Bar visitors have been advised by the government not to be complete muppets duting the winter season. 

“Alarm” revealed as secret code word for Crémant

by Benelux News, posted in Uncategorized

Thousands of commuters were left stunned this afternoon as a secret code was leaked to the public in the form of train code words.

It is an increasingly regular occurrence for Luxembourg trains to stop on the tracks with claims of an alarm being started either on the train or on another train somewhere down the line.

Now Benelux News can reveal that “Alarm” is coded language for Crémant and is used when the train drivers feel like having a drink.

“Alcohol use is very common among our public service workers,” claimed a spokesman. “We just love to annoy our passengers and celebrate doing so by having a drink behind the locked train door.”

“We prefer to stop in the middle of a track between stations,” said one of the drivers, who did not want to be named. “This way the passengers have no option of disembarking and finding alternative transport.”  

CFL refused to comment. 

Chantier workers to dig same hole for the 17th time to find lost lighter

by Benelux News, posted in Uncategorized

Construction workers have been instructed to dig up the same hole they have been working on for the past year to try to find a cigarette lighter believed to have been lost by one of the workers.

The lighter has been missing since Tuesday evening when the worker arrived home after work and realised it was gone.

“It couldn’t have been stolen by one of the guys,” Carlos explained. “It must have fallen into the hole when I was climbing up.”

The work is expected to take at least 1 month to complete. 

Benelux News will keep you updated on the situation as it unfolds. 

Immobilier to open office in camping site

by Benelux News, posted in Uncategorized

One of Luxembourg’s top immobilier companies is to open a new office in a campsite in the north of Luxembourg. 

After years of exploiting housing prices and pushing the prices up to record levels, new sights are being set to campsites.

“We’ve been milking the market for years,” said a spokeman. “We were running out of options for houses, so campsites seemed like the most obvious answer.”

“It’s a new emerging market, so there is plenty of room to jack up the prices,” he continued. “We are lookin at starting prices around 5,000 per metre squared, so getting 250k for some shit-heap caravan should be absolutely no problem.” 

Luxembourg airport sets sights on being the biggest rip off in Europe

by Benelux News, posted in Uncategorized

The new Luxembourg airport has set its sales targets to being the biggest rip off in Europe, it was announced today.

“After an unnecessary renovation, we have jacked up our prices to truly give the customer a feeling of having no choice but to spend all their money,” a spokesperson said.

“We figured that if travellers had all their holiday money with them in their pockets, they should blow it all at the airport and be left feeling poor for their entire holiday.”

“To achieve this target was simple, we simply decided to charge 6.50 for a crappy sandwich, 4.90 for a small beer and 4.50 for a 20cl Pepsi… To top it all off, we just assumed that people are too stupid to realise what ‘duty-free’ really means and just jack up the price anyway.”

With Oberweis following suit very fast by charging 13 euros for 8 macarons, it seems the high price competition is on!

Luxembourg’s shops sell record amount of old junk.

by Benelux News, posted in Uncategorized

Luxembourg’s shopkeepers were celebrating on Monday afternoon after managing to sell off over 90% of old shit that had been sitting at the back of the stock rooms since January.

Low prices, accompanied with awful music and idiots on microphones who thought they were working at the Schueberfouer, helped most shops shift all their crap on to an unsuspecting crowd.

“We have been trying to sell this shit since Christmas 2003” said one shopkeeper as he sold the last of the chocolate fireguards for 3 euros.

“We’re very happy with today’s results and are looking forward to stocking up with as much cheap crap as possible ready for Halloween.”