Local man determined to get drunk for free in supermarket

A local man was on his usual supermarket shopping spree in Bertrange on Friday when he spotted 3 different wine tasting stalls inside the store within a 75 metre radius.

Quick to react to the situation, the man beckoned his girlfriend directly over to the closest wine tasting stand, completely bypassing the noodles section and the Nutella section.

While sipping his second sample of red wine, the mans thoughts were becoming focussed on how many free samples he could get away with at each stand, while carefully calculating the possibilities of finding a possible free snack somewhere in the shop and making a full dinner our of the whole experience.

Sadly, the mans hopes and dreams were destroyed when the realisation came that he and his girlfriend still had to visit the fruit and veg section before the shop closed.

Plans are being made for the next visit.

Woman spends 2 days going up Auchan escalator

Crowds gathered at the top of one of the Auchan escalators this afternoon after a local woman was reported to have made a two day journey up to the first floor of the supermarket complex.

The journey started on Wednesday morning just as the lunch time rush was getting underway.

Auchan escalators are well known for being notoriously slow, to the point where there are now crowds of people supporting shoppers as they climb slowly up the escalators.

“It’s like a slow version of the Tour de France.” said one bystander.

“I just popped out of the office to get a sandwich,” said the woman. “I can’t believe it took so long, but with the people’s support, it helped me not die of boredom.”

Auchan are rumoured to be giving away discount vouchers to anyone who survive the long climb without just giving up.

Woman enters 3rd day of driving round Auchan car park

Benelux News caught up with a woman who has been driving around Auchan car park for the last 3 days trying to find a parking space.

“I just thought I would get a few extra things before Christmas, but I still haven’t found any place to park yet.”

“I thought I found a space yesterday, but as I approached I saw some bastard had parked a Fiat Cincocento there.”

The woman managed to survive on half a pack of Haribo and a quarter bottle of Rosport Blue.

But she still remains hopeful.

“Any minute now I will find a space. I’m sure it’s just around the next corner.”

Supermarket security guard thinks EVERYONE is a shoplifter

An exclusive interview with a Luxembourg security guard revealed that all supermarket security are under strict orders to suspect EVERYONE of shoplifting, regardless of age, gender or colour.

“We believe that everyone is a potential thief here,” said the guard who comes from Thionville. “Even the old ladies with a member card from the shop since 10 years or more are a potential threat and may try to steal some eggs. We can’t take any chances.”

Benelux News caught up with one customer, Josephine, who explained her frustration with being hassled every time she tries to enter the supermarket. 

“It really is stupid,” she said. “I am treated like a criminal every time I come to buy my groceries. One day I’m going to take my mobility scooter and ram-raid this f*cking place!”

Cora, Auchan and Cactus refused to comment. 

Local woman convinced she is actually saving money during shop sales

Benelux News caught up with a local woman this week who is absolutely convinced she is saving money by buying more things in shops displaying the “soldes” or sales sign in the window. 

The signs work as a kind of magnet for women while walking within 3 square kilometres of a shop, according to sources. Which has tricked many women on a global scale into actually believing they are saving money by spending less than they would have done normally. 

“Look, I saved 60% on these new shoes.” said the lady when approached by our reporters. “I saved 40% on this bag and 20% on this top.”

Benelux News reporters then pulled out a calculator to show that she hadn’t actually saved anything at all, which seemed to fall on deaf ears.

There seemed to be no perception of reality at all as she drifted off in the direction of another soldes sign.

Bertrange residents evacuated after Cora / Del Haize peace talks break down

Residents were evacuated over night last night after peace talks between two rival supermarkets broke down in the early hours.

The official announcement was made at 2.55am with military force and aid workers arriving as early as 4.00am.

“People were panicking and understandably very nervous of the situation,” said one of the aid workers. “We are working around the clock to make sure everyone is safe from any harm.”

Initial reports suggest that a safe zone has been declared at the Aldi supermarket, which is located in the exact middle between the two supermarkets.

“Aldi is still a very neutral and safe area for the moment,” said one of the local residents who was evacuated. “We hope it will remain a safe place for us to be.”

Cheaper food supplies are being sold at Aldi, but stocks are limited. So shop carefully.

Benelux News will be the first with updates to this story as and when the emerge.

Supermarket woman with bad trolley skills to attempt to drive car home

On Saturday morning a woman in a large supermarket announced that she will attempt to drive her car home after annoying dozens of shoppers doing their weekly shopping. 

After displaying poor technical ability several times while in the fruit and veg section, she moved on to the meat section while getting in the way of no less than 7 people, eager to get their shopping done as quickly as possible. 

Benelux News reporters had arrived on the scene, shortly before she could reach the wine area for an exclusive interview. 

“I successfully managed to annoy several people just in the last 5 minutes, by cutting up people’s direction,” she said.

“I am looking forward to attempting to drive a car home and causing some near accidents as I go.” 

“The car park will be my first challenge, quickly followed by Saturday afternoon traffic jams.” 

Check your local radio announcements for traffic updates.

Child Protection Services called after parents refuse to buy designer bag

Luxembourg’s child protection services were called today after an incident on the Grand Rue in the centre of the city.

Police and child care workers were called to the Louis Vuitton shop around lunchtime to assist a teenager in distress. With the beginning of the new school year starting on Monday, the 14 year old girl wanted a brand new bag, priced at 1,400 euros to go to school with.

Realising that the bag would just be thrown around and dumped on the floor regularly, her parents refused to buy the bag and so authorities were called.

“We already got her the new iPhone 7 this week and now she wants a ridiculously over-priced bag,” said the girl’s Father as he was taken away by Police.

The girl was led away by carers to go to a care home while the parents will remain in custody for questioning.

The shop owner was unavailable for comment.

Luxembourg’s shops sell record amount of old junk.

Luxembourg’s shopkeepers were celebrating on Monday afternoon after managing to sell off over 90% of old shit that had been sitting at the back of the stock rooms since January.

Low prices, accompanied with awful music and idiots on microphones who thought they were working at the Schueberfouer, helped most shops shift all their crap on to an unsuspecting crowd.

“We have been trying to sell this shit since Christmas 2003” said one shopkeeper as he sold the last of the chocolate fireguards for 3 euros.

“We’re very happy with today’s results and are looking forward to stocking up with as much cheap crap as possible ready for Halloween.”