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Tag: luxembourg

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Panic as dozens of men report being snowed in to the bar

Panic spread across the country this afternoon as dozens of men phoned home saying they are snowed in to various bars and cafes. Harsh weather conditions are to blame as emergency services claim to be unable to help. “Emergency services are currently stretched to the max dealing with various traffic incidents on the roads.” Claimed a spokesman. “The only thing […]

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Luxembourg residents advised to stock up on beer in case of being snowed in 

Authorities issued a warning to all Luxembourg residents this morning to stock up on additional beer during the winter season. As reports came in of more snow being forecast, the government decided to act quickly. Benelux News was first to receive the announcement and managed to get a quick interview. “We could see possible dangers coming.” Said a spokesman. “We […]

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Man falls into coma waiting for Indian food delivery

On Friday evening ambulance crews were called after a local man near Merl fell into a coma while waiting for an Indian food delivery. After ordering from a popular Indian restaurant and take away near the gare, the man was rumoured to be waiting over two hours for the food to arrive. Ambulance crews were called after neighbours became concerned […]

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Mafia “in awe” of Luxembourg Taxi companies

Mafia groups from across the world have admitted that they are “in awe” of Luxembourg taxi companies. The high fares for small distances have proved to be a fantastic extortion technique and various mafias are said to be looking in to following suit. “It’s absolutely amazing” said one mafia member, refusing to give his name. “You pay for a normal […]

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Growing concern for Tram getting bullied by other cars

After conducting a crash test last Saturday between a car and the new tram, concerns are growing for the safety of the tram. Experts have highlighted potential dangers of bullying and so called “mobbing”, not from people, but from other cars using the road. “During the crash test, we could hear other cars passing by and making snide comments as […]


Ski Twat Season only a matter of weeks away

Ski Twats across the country and indeed across Europe are already deciding on which ridiculously expensive, twatty sunglasses to wear on the ski slopes in the coming season. Local sports shop owner, Jean-Claude, gave Benelux News an interview to tell us all about what’s been popular in the shop recently. “The new ski outfits are flying out the door. I […]

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Luxembourg’s New Police announce opening times for Christmas and New Year 

The so called “New Police” force in Luxembourg have officially announced their opening times for stations across the country. Residents are advised to take note in case of emergency over the festive season. 24th December: Until around 5pm ish. 25th December: Not really sure. Maybe in the evening? 26th December: Probably after 10am. 31st December: Really late, like 11pm or […]

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Mugabe application rejected as President of new Hollerich

Robert Mugabe was informed today just hours after standing down from his role in Zimbabwe, that his recent application for President of the new Hollerich has been rejected. According to inside sources, despite his proposals for a “better Hollerich,” his past record with value of the Zimbabwe Dollar was simply too big a risk for the proposed Holler Dollar, due […]