Luxembourg to host world’s first drink driving championships

Luxembourg has been selected to host the world’s first drink driving championships as part of its national branding campaign.

Thousands of competitors have been waiting for years for the opportunity to compete in the event and finally their dreams are coming true.

Drink driving has been an unofficial sport in the grand duchy for years thanks to phenomenally high taxi prices and lack of long distance late night transport.

Regional heats will be organised between the city and Grevenmacher as well as Echternach and Diekirch.

Drivers are expected to tackle tight corners while overtaking cars at high speeds.

Extensive training regimes will be in place to assure drivers that because they own a new BMW, it means they are invincible on the roads.

Plastic gold star badges will be awarded to the winners as well as social recognition from their well connected local commune friends.

Losers will probably get a small fine.

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New season of Narcos starts filming in Esch

Eager fans of the famous Netflix series “Narcos” will be pleased to know that the new season is currently being filmed in Esch sur Alzette.

Local residents reported that the scenes being filmed were very realistic and almost gave the impression of being a city of crime, just like a real city.

After filming in various locations around the country, the new season is expected to be out after some ridiculously long period of time, like 2020 or something.

Socks and Sandals to be made illegal by Summer 2019

New law proposals were approved this morning that would ban the wearing of socks with sandals in all public places by as early as next summer.

The bill was passed in the chambres des deputies with an overwhelming 94% vote in favour.

Checks at the gare as well as border controls will become stricter.

Extra security checks in supermarket parking areas are also expected to begin by May next year.

Heavy fines and possible custodial sentences for repeat offenders will be given to anyone of any age wearing this monstrosity.

You have been warned.

Police stop international terrorist search to arrest teenager for small bag of weed

Luxembourg Police on Friday decided that they no longer can be bothered to seek out a possible international terrorist threat and instead pick on some local teenagers smoking a joint.

After some discussion between senior officers, it was decided that because nothing really terrorist related had happened, they would give some basic training to the Palace guards who could then “jump in to save the day if some shit went down”.

This in turn has freed up so much Police time, that teenagers seen to be smoking a joint are seen as as big a threat as a terrorist.

“Because of the use of cigarette lighters, we see this as a potentially explosive situation.” said a Police spokesman. “We cannot risk a joint attack.”

“We have trained the Palace guards to handle a terrorist attack so we can start bullying teenagers for their weed and lunch money.”

Luxembourg’s New Police announce opening times for Christmas and New Year 

The so called “New Police” force in Luxembourg have officially announced their opening times for stations across the country.

Residents are advised to take note in case of emergency over the festive season.

24th December: Until around 5pm ish.

25th December: Not really sure. Maybe in the evening?

26th December: Probably after 10am.

31st December: Really late, like 11pm or so.

1st January: Good luck!

Luxembourg Police reveal 2017 Halloween party costumes 

Luxembourg Police announced earlier this morning their new design for their annual Halloween party. 

The chief of Police was said to be extremely happy with the new design and said that they may even decide to wear the costumes permanently in the future because he described them as “really comfy”. 

The design, based on a Peugeot lion that had gone crazy and prowled the streets of Luxembourg looking for callef (baby cow) victims, had apparently caused a big laugh in the offices and the Police cells alike, is sure to be a big success. 

Expect to see a fresh fashion parade walking the streets near you soon!