EU police start deporting Brexit Brits

Police forces across Europe today started a Europe wide round up of Brexit Brits and sending them home.

Police forces in Amsterdam, Ibiza, Prague and many others began the raids at around 5am this morning in preparation for the UK’s official exit from the EU at midnight tonight.

Countries who had experienced particular troubles with “Brits Abroad” including football hooligans, stag nights and English yobs were particularly eager to get rid of the idiots who creep onto the continent due to lax laws on immigration into the Schengen zone.

Starting on 1st Feb 2020, there will be a visa system in place to keep the idiots out, with France even considering bricking up the entrance to the Channel Tunnel towards the end of the year.

“Certain measures will be in place to keep out the idiots”, said a Police spokesman. “We fully intend to keep out Barry and the lads from Clacton-On-Sea, as well as Kev and Darren and their 20 pints challenge.”

Crowds of local residents gathered in various cities to applaud the work of the Police.

 

Luxembourg football fans 100% convinced Luxembourg will win 2018 World Cup

A group of Luxembourg football fans are 100% convinced that Luxembourg will lift the trophy at the 2018 World Cup after winning the qualification match against France on the weekend. 

The away 0-0 draw has caused fever pitch among fans with excitement growing by the second.

“Majo ha… 2018 is the year for Letzebuerg,” said Jean Claude after the game while drinking a diekirch. “Letzebuerg is the best team in the world now.”

Sports fashionista unsure whether to start playing football or tennis

A man from Strassen was today reported to be suffering from extreme confusion after two successful sports matches in one week for Luxembourg nationals.

The man, believed to be suffering from a midlife crisis, can no longer decide what to invest hundreds of euros of sports equipment in.

“I saw that Andy Schleck won the Tour de France a few years ago and decided to take up cycling and wear stupid looking cycling shorts in order to impress my colleagues and hopefully one of the women who lives at the end of my street,” said the man.

“When Andy Schleck decided to stop cycling, I didn’t really know what to do any more and kind of just decided to hang my bicycle in my garage in such a position that my neighbours might be able to see it when I open the garage.”

With an international competition win from Niederkorn last week and Muller beating Nadal at Wimbledon this week, the man admits he is more than confused at how to look cool now.

“I just couldn’t make up my mind which new sport fashion to follow. So I have decided to always carry around an oversized sports bag that makes me look like a semi pro tennis player and keep it next to my desk in the office, while annoying my fellow colleagues who have to step over it every time they need to pass.”

“For trying to impress my neighbour, I have decided to buy a goal for the garden and show off by beating my son at football.”

It certainly seems to be a busy summer for this man.

Local man googling about Superbowl in attempt to look knowledgable in the bar tonight

A local man has spent most of Sunday afternoon frantically googling about American Football in an attempt to gain popularity with his friends during the Superbowl.

Having had absolutely no knowledge about American Football before, he is determined to try to win over friends tonight, as some bars will  be opening extra late to show the game.

“I had no idea they use their hands with a football,” he said while taking a quick break from researching. “It just doesn’t make any sense at all. Why don’t they call it Hand Ball? I hope I can find enough knowledge on the internet or I won’t be able to appear to have a valid excuse to stay in the bar late tonight.”

As reporters left, he appeared to be practising his “yeah, I know all about that” facial expressions while pretending to become engrossed in what was on the TV screen.

We think he will do just fine.