EU police start deporting Brexit Brits

Police forces across Europe today started a Europe wide round up of Brexit Brits and sending them home.

Police forces in Amsterdam, Ibiza, Prague and many others began the raids at around 5am this morning in preparation for the UK’s official exit from the EU at midnight tonight.

Countries who had experienced particular troubles with “Brits Abroad” including football hooligans, stag nights and English yobs were particularly eager to get rid of the idiots who creep onto the continent due to lax laws on immigration into the Schengen zone.

Starting on 1st Feb 2020, there will be a visa system in place to keep the idiots out, with France even considering bricking up the entrance to the Channel Tunnel towards the end of the year.

“Certain measures will be in place to keep out the idiots”, said a Police spokesman. “We fully intend to keep out Barry and the lads from Clacton-On-Sea, as well as Kev and Darren and their 20 pints challenge.”

Crowds of local residents gathered in various cities to applaud the work of the Police.


Lydie Polfer takes direct action after scooter spotted at protest

Luxembourg City mayor, Lydie Polfer promised immediate action yesterday after residents of the gare area protested at the bottom of rue de Strasbourg against rising numbers of drug dealers and prostitution in the area.

The protest went mostly unnoticed by government officials until a child on a scooter appeared at the protest.

As the emergency news reached government offices, Mme Polfer promised direct action against this menace of the streets.

An official report is yet to be made, but if rumours are to become true, it appears that Mme Polfer would prefer to keep the dealers on the streets and ban the use of rentable Scooters.

More news as it breaks.

New season of Narcos starts filming in Esch

Eager fans of the famous Netflix series “Narcos” will be pleased to know that the new season is currently being filmed in Esch sur Alzette.

Local residents reported that the scenes being filmed were very realistic and almost gave the impression of being a city of crime, just like a real city.

After filming in various locations around the country, the new season is expected to be out after some ridiculously long period of time, like 2020 or something.

Police stop international terrorist search to arrest teenager for small bag of weed

Luxembourg Police on Friday decided that they no longer can be bothered to seek out a possible international terrorist threat and instead pick on some local teenagers smoking a joint.

After some discussion between senior officers, it was decided that because nothing really terrorist related had happened, they would give some basic training to the Palace guards who could then “jump in to save the day if some shit went down”.

This in turn has freed up so much Police time, that teenagers seen to be smoking a joint are seen as as big a threat as a terrorist.

“Because of the use of cigarette lighters, we see this as a potentially explosive situation.” said a Police spokesman. “We cannot risk a joint attack.”

“We have trained the Palace guards to handle a terrorist attack so we can start bullying teenagers for their weed and lunch money.”

Doping scandal hits Duck Race as number of ducks test positive for performance enhancing drugs

Reports were released this morning as a number of ducks due to compete in the upcoming duck race in Luxembourg’s Petrusse, tested positive for ephedrine.

Luxembourg’s famous duck race has been held on the final weekend of April for many years and has proved to be extremely popular. 

But with the increase in popularity, comes added pressure to perform.

Up to 15 ducks are said to have tested positive and are likely to be disqualified as a result.

Local sports authorities are said to be investigating. 

More info as it comes. 

“Cash” the Dog reveals he was only in it for the money

Shock and surprise erupted in Luxembourg this morning after “Cash” the dog revealed he was only in it for the money.

The dog was employed by local police to sniff out drugs coming in and out of Luxembourg. However, the famous find of 280,000 euros was all part of the plan to get rich off the back of drug dealers passing through the Grand Duchy.

Such corruption is very hard to pinpoint, but after not receiving a cent from his coworkers, he has decided to come clean.

A full investigation has been launched into police corruption.