“Close the f*cking door!” season officially starts.

After the Schueberfouer has ended, the official season of “close the f*cking door” officially starts.

Bar, restaurant and cafe customers are being warned about on the spot fines for people who leave the door open after entering or exiting a premises.

Fines can be up to €250 for anyone who leaves the door open or holds the door open for their friend who is still chatting for more than 30 seconds.

The public are advised to remain vigilant and to report any unnecessary door opening behaviour.

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Boring people launch petition to ban EVERYTHING

The national society for people who never get invited to parties launched an online petition this morning in a bid to ban absolutely any form of leisure or fun.

4,500 signatures are required in order for the proposed law to be discussed in Parliament and has already gained over 100 signatures.

The ban will include just about every fun activity, but if the activity cannot be banned then measures will be taken to make sure the activity is made as tedious as possible.

Not happy with banning smoking indoors, the ban proposes banning smoking on terraces and in the open air.

Bars and cafes are to have lines drawn around the premises, clearly showing where you are allowed to stand and where to breathe.

The lines will also extend on to the street to help Darwin award contestants figure out how to walk down the street.

Signs and announcements explaining how to use stairs and escalators will also be displayed, just for those people who haven’t figured out how to walk up down stairs after all these years.

“Fun” will be restricted to certain hours not going past 7pm which will restrict concerts to certain times and the music must not be loud at all. Audiences will also have to stand in exact marked spots or face being ejected from venues with the excuse of “insurance reasons” given in as vague a way as possible.

Bars and clubs will be closed by 7pm in case someone who lives 2kms away thinks they hear a cockroach fart and blames the bar owners.

Benelux News caught up with one voter who moved to Luxembourg from London 3 years ago.

“I just wanted to whine about everything I could” she said. “I never get invited to parties so why not moan and complain about everything. I moved here for the relaxing way of life and open mindedness, but I voted because I want to mess it up for no logical reason whatsoever.”

We waved good bye as she drove away in her highly polluting car while giving an angry look to a man smoking a cigarette on the neighbouring terrace.

More updates on the petition results as they come in.

Local man quits smoking… His own cigarettes 

A man from Belair surprised friends over the weekend by asking several times for a cigarette, despite having quit smoking weeks before. 

The announcement came in the new year when the man announced to his friends and family that he had decided to quit smoking. 

After much support from friends and family, people were surprised to have the man repeatedly ask for cigarettes during a drinking session in a city centre bar.

“It was unbelievable,” said one witness. “We ended up giving him at least 7 cigarettes over the course of the evening. It got very annoying.” 

When interviewed by Benelux News reporters, the man was still convinced he had quit successfully.

“It doesn’t count if I don’t buy them any more.” He said.

Gare area man smashes world record asking for a cigarette 5,000 times in one day

A local man was surprised today to find out he broke the world record for asking for a cigarette from random strangers a total of 5,132 times in just 24 hours.

Television camera crews surrounded the man at about 4.30pm this afternoon, after news leaked that the record had been broken.

“I had no idea it was that many times,” he said. “Did I win a prize?”

He added that all it really took was dedication and always searching for new people to ask, whether they had a cigarette in their hand or not.

“The secret is to just ask anyone, regardless of if I was already smoking or not.”