New plans outlined for airport in Hollerich

The Hollerich independence party this morning released the first image of the proposed Hollerich airport to be built once Hollerich has gained independence from Luxembourg.

The single terminal airport is expected to handle up to 100 flights per day and will be a destination for flights from as far away as LaRochette and Septfontaine.

Some surprise has come at the decision to build the new terminal on top of the existing cemetery. While some politicians have raised serious concerns over moral values of the construction location, the architects and planners insist they conducted a survey in the cemetery and received no objections.

“Having the airport located in Hollerich will put short haul budget flights such as Easyjet in direct competition with Luxembourg’s taxi companies, as they will be able to offer cheap, short flights from Findel to Hollerich and thus saving a lot of money for the consumer.” Said a spokesman.

When asked by Benelux News if there were any objections from neighbours in Merl, he replied: “Merl residents have always had life good and have always thought of themselves as ‘better than Hollerich’. We intend to change that attitude. We want to make everyone equally thought of and will be directing some of our flight paths directly over Merl park and will be adding an extra tax to local residents to cover the charge for the terminal cleaners. In return, we offer sandwiches and drinks at the airport at a fraction of the cost of Findel. I think the money saved on Crémant as pre holiday drinks will more than make up for the cost difference.”

The plans for the terminal and runways can be seen below.


Mafia “in awe” of Luxembourg Taxi companies

Mafia groups from across the world have admitted that they are “in awe” of Luxembourg taxi companies.

The high fares for small distances have proved to be a fantastic extortion technique and various mafias are said to be looking in to following suit.

“It’s absolutely amazing” said one mafia member, refusing to give his name. “You pay for a normal taxi an absolute fortune, so if you decide to phone another taxi company to get a smaller price, it’s also the same company!”

“Also charging unnecessarily high fares from certain destinations like the airport is a genius idea.”


Motorway chaos as people walk from Luxembourg to Amsterdam to avoid KLM plane fares

Dozens of Police cars had to close off multiple sections of Belgian motorways this afternoon after hundreds of people wanting to go to Amsterdam were priced out of flying due to KLM’s sky high prices.

“We just wanted to go to Amsterdam for a couple of days,” said one man leading the first section of crowd. “The prices on KLM’s website were ridiculous, quoting €239 for a one way flight that takes just over an hour! We also looked at the possibility of a train, but that takes almost 8 hours. In the end we just thought f*ck it, let’s walk!”

Another traveller also commented, “we contacted KLM about the price, but they just fobbed us off saying that there are good prices if we search the website. But we found nothing under €239.”

Police are monitoring the situation to make sure all of the travellers successfully reach Amsterdam in the coming days, as support is growing fast for the group.


Taxi company teams up with Immobilier to charge according to social status of residential area

Bad news for taxi users this week, as it was announced that new prices are to be introduced that fit in line with the area that you live in.

Luxembourg’s leading taxi company has teamed up with a leading Immobilier company to fix the prices based on which area is more highly valued in the housing market.

“We had a lot of problems with the new taxi fare transparency subject recently,” said a taxi spokesman. “We needed to find a way to reduce prices, but still be able to rip people off. So we put our heads together and came up with this.”

To put this in to perspective, if you live in Belair, you would be charged as much as 10 euros more than a journey of the same distance but just across the road in Merl. We asked the taxi company how that can be justified.

“It’s simple,” said the spokesman. “Belair has kind of a famous name and property can cost a bit more there. So we milk the residents there for everything they have got. Also the Fresh Prince lived in Belair many years ago, which is kind of famous still. So we will go with that excuse for now.”

New bar owner convinced that the general public are rich

A new bar opened in the city centre last week which is hoping to cause quite a stir.

The bar owner has so far spent the last 6 days convincing himself that the crowds of people are on their way from their homes to spend money on over priced drinks.

“I made my prices ridiculously high so that people would think it’s cool to be here,” the bar owner said. “Despite the fact that we are serving the same drinks as anywhere else, by charging stupidly high prices, people will hopefully think we are somewhere cool and different.” 

At €15 a Mojito and €4 a small beer, it could just be the wankiest place in town.

“Christmas is a time for giving” claims barman charging €3.50 for a 25cl beer at Christmas Market

People this year were reminded that Christmas is a time for giving while Christmas stands were charging customers higher prices for drinks and food than normal bars.

While paying just €40 a day for stall rent and having volunteer staff working his Christmas stall, the local man running the stand said; “It’s a time for giving and what better way than to give me all their money?!”

“I try to be as tight as possible with drinks and food and just hope that the Christmas music playing all around will distract the people from the fact that I am ripping them off. It’s certainly worked so far!”

When asked by Benelux News team how much he pays to buy in certain goods, he suddenly became busy and not available for comment.



Immobilier values kettle at €12,500 

One of Luxembourg’s top immobilier companies has decided on the value of a kettle at €12,500 yesterday, after the home owners decided to leave a few items behind.

The apartment is due to go on the market next week and hoping to fetch a huge price.

“The owners decided to leave a few things behind and so we valued them in addition to the property price to create more commission for us,” the immobilier explained. 

“By charging ridiculous sums of money for small things, we can hopefully add around €100,000 to the total property value.” 

Items included a kettle, some old knives and forks, a toothbrush holder and some old cushions. 

The property is expected to be on the market next week at some unrealistic price.

“We’re very excited about this,” said the salesman.