New plans outlined for airport in Hollerich

The Hollerich independence party this morning released the first image of the proposed Hollerich airport to be built once Hollerich has gained independence from Luxembourg.

The single terminal airport is expected to handle up to 100 flights per day and will be a destination for flights from as far away as LaRochette and Septfontaine.

Some surprise has come at the decision to build the new terminal on top of the existing cemetery. While some politicians have raised serious concerns over moral values of the construction location, the architects and planners insist they conducted a survey in the cemetery and received no objections.

“Having the airport located in Hollerich will put short haul budget flights such as Easyjet in direct competition with Luxembourg’s taxi companies, as they will be able to offer cheap, short flights from Findel to Hollerich and thus saving a lot of money for the consumer.” Said a spokesman.

When asked by Benelux News if there were any objections from neighbours in Merl, he replied: “Merl residents have always had life good and have always thought of themselves as ‘better than Hollerich’. We intend to change that attitude. We want to make everyone equally thought of and will be directing some of our flight paths directly over Merl park and will be adding an extra tax to local residents to cover the charge for the terminal cleaners. In return, we offer sandwiches and drinks at the airport at a fraction of the cost of Findel. I think the money saved on Crémant as pre holiday drinks will more than make up for the cost difference.”

The plans for the terminal and runways can be seen below.


Mafia “in awe” of Luxembourg Taxi companies

Mafia groups from across the world have admitted that they are “in awe” of Luxembourg taxi companies.

The high fares for small distances have proved to be a fantastic extortion technique and various mafias are said to be looking in to following suit.

“It’s absolutely amazing” said one mafia member, refusing to give his name. “You pay for a normal taxi an absolute fortune, so if you decide to phone another taxi company to get a smaller price, it’s also the same company!”

“Also charging unnecessarily high fares from certain destinations like the airport is a genius idea.”


Luxembourg taxi driver already practicing longest and most expensive routes

An ambitious local taxi driver has spent most of Friday afternoon practicing the longest and most expensive routes all over Luxembourg in a desperate effort to show his boss how keen he is.

Jean-Pierre from Thionville failed at most jobs he had in life, but now he is a taxi driver and ready to take on the new role and hopefully climb his way up the ranks.

Having spent many hours learning roads and getting to grips with not driving just fast enough to make it through the next green light, Jean-Pierre is highly confident he can take on the country’s weekend taxi crowd.

“Like this I can drive whichever way I want and hope that my passengers are too drunk to notice.” Said Jean-Pierre. “If they say something about the route, I just make myself sound dumb, point at the Sat-Nav system and blame that.”

Jean-Pierre hopes to apparently “get all the money out of the Luxembourgers’ pockets” and become a Limousine driver one day. We at Benelux News are not so convinced.

Local authorities have recommended to anyone going out this weekend, please don’t use local taxis and use late night buses.

If the late night buses are no longer running, just go have a drink somewhere until the first bus or train. It’s cheaper and you have the best adventures that way.


Taxi company teams up with Immobilier to charge according to social status of residential area

Bad news for taxi users this week, as it was announced that new prices are to be introduced that fit in line with the area that you live in.

Luxembourg’s leading taxi company has teamed up with a leading Immobilier company to fix the prices based on which area is more highly valued in the housing market.

“We had a lot of problems with the new taxi fare transparency subject recently,” said a taxi spokesman. “We needed to find a way to reduce prices, but still be able to rip people off. So we put our heads together and came up with this.”

To put this in to perspective, if you live in Belair, you would be charged as much as 10 euros more than a journey of the same distance but just across the road in Merl. We asked the taxi company how that can be justified.

“It’s simple,” said the spokesman. “Belair has kind of a famous name and property can cost a bit more there. So we milk the residents there for everything they have got. Also the Fresh Prince lived in Belair many years ago, which is kind of famous still. So we will go with that excuse for now.”