Growing concern over new yellow jacket protests

Authorities have expressed concerns over fresh protests by yellow jackets around the Grand Duchy.

The creche attendees have been protesting over the price of attending creche in Luxembourg.

“Every year the price rises for young children to attend creche.” said one spokesman.

“We are being stretched to a limit where our Christmas gifts are being reduced. It cannot continue!”

Police are currently on standby for any signs of unrest.

More info as it comes.

Ryanair Customer Service department finally located in Sahara Desert

Images made their way back to Europe today of Ryanair’s Customer Service department after several passengers went on a trip to try to get their money back from the cancellations in 2017.

After cancelling nearly half a million passengers’ journeys in 2017 and still not refunding the money, the disgruntled customers set out to try to get some answers.

Despite finding the office in the Sahara Desert, there was a sign on the wall saying that the department was on strike with no date given as to the return.

Hotels compete for Worlds smallest glass of orange juice

This summer, Europe saw its hotels compete for the world title of “Smallest Glass of Orange Juice at Breakfast.”

Competition was fierce with some hotels offering only small shot glasses in attempts to save money and gain the title.

Many hotel visitors reported multiple trips to the juice machine and long queues each time as demand soared to quench their thirst before the day started.

Results are yet to be published for the winners.

Pinky and the Brain to join Theresa May’s new cabinet

This afternoon, after the shock departure of David Davis and Boris Johnson, it was announced that Pinky and the Brain (Minus et Cortex) would join the UK Government to specialise in Brexit negotiations and general strategy of the UK’s involvement in international relations.

More details will be made later as to more specific roles of each character as the UK Tory government becomes more formed.

Ryanair grounds all flights as pilots book entire summer holidays off

Many summer holidays may be cancelled this summer after a number of sources say that, following last year’s catastrophe after Ryanair messed up the holiday schedules for pilots in 2017, which resulted in hundreds of cancelled flights.

According to sources, most of the staff have chosen to take most of the summer off and so many family holidays will indeed be cancelled.

Ryanair are of course denying all of this until the last minute.

Experts are warning should you wish to claim compensation, don’t bother as Ryanair will claim it was cancelled due to bad weather, despite the fact it was 30c.

New UK Passports to be made from hemp

News broke this morning that the new blue UK Passports will be made from hemp after Franco-Dutch company Gemalto revealed they will be taking care of production.

Brexiteers reacted furiously after news broke that the passports wouldn’t be being produced in some local shit hole factory in a strange northern town, populated by inbreds left behind after all the Polish people left.

It was revealed that the use of hemp was initiated after deciding to remind UK citizens of what they gave up with regards to having easy access to Holland and also to set off the border patrol drug searcher dogs at the airport, just to “rub it in.”

There are also plans to include Deli-France vouchers towards the back of the passport book that would give up to 20% discounts to coupon holders, but would make little difference as the prices would be increasing anyway.

Further reactions are unpredictable, as it was also revealed that production would take place in France.

French companies are currently recruiting as many French beret wearing, onion peelers as possible to work in production factories.

Lux family buys Island in Mediterranean because it’s cheaper than apartment in town

A Luxembourgish family are reported to have purchased an island in the Mediterranean for 18 million euros.

The Island, close to Ibiza and Formentera, was sold to the anonymous family just last week.

Benelux News sent their reporters down to investigate and try to get an interview with the island’s new owner who wished to remain anonymous for the time being.

“It was all a bit unexpected really,” said the husband.

“We were looking at apartments in Luxembourg City, but they were all too expensive. In the end, we thought ‘sod it’ and just bought an island. It still leaves us with enough to buy some furniture from IKEA, but we need to go onto the main island of Ibiza for that.”

Nobody really sure why train stations exist between Arlon and Namur

A recent survey revealed that regular train passengers who travel from Luxembourg to Brussels have absolutely no idea why train stations even exist between Arlon and Namur.

The frustratingly slow train which travels between 2 major European cities has come under fire for being totally boring and even going as far as ridiculing the silly hats worn by train ticket collectors. 

But the big mystery seems to be why Belgian authorities have decided to build train stations in the middle of nowhere. 

Jean-Pierre is a regular commuter on Belgian trains; “I just don’t get it. Nobody ever gets on and nobody ever gets off. It’s like Willy Wonkas chocolate factory.”

His statement was backed up by a fellow passenger. “I saw a scout group get on once at Gembloux. It was very strange. I guess they had been camping somewhere in the great outdoors.”