Pinky and the Brain to join Theresa May’s new cabinet

This afternoon, after the shock departure of David Davis and Boris Johnson, it was announced that Pinky and the Brain (Minus et Cortex) would join the UK Government to specialise in Brexit negotiations and general strategy of the UK’s involvement in international relations.

More details will be made later as to more specific roles of each character as the UK Tory government becomes more formed.

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Ryanair grounds all flights as pilots book entire summer holidays off

Many summer holidays may be cancelled this summer after a number of sources say that, following last year’s catastrophe after Ryanair messed up the holiday schedules for pilots in 2017, which resulted in hundreds of cancelled flights.

According to sources, most of the staff have chosen to take most of the summer off and so many family holidays will indeed be cancelled.

Ryanair are of course denying all of this until the last minute.

Experts are warning should you wish to claim compensation, don’t bother as Ryanair will claim it was cancelled due to bad weather, despite the fact it was 30c.

New UK Passports to be made from hemp

News broke this morning that the new blue UK Passports will be made from hemp after Franco-Dutch company Gemalto revealed they will be taking care of production.

Brexiteers reacted furiously after news broke that the passports wouldn’t be being produced in some local shit hole factory in a strange northern town, populated by inbreds left behind after all the Polish people left.

It was revealed that the use of hemp was initiated after deciding to remind UK citizens of what they gave up with regards to having easy access to Holland and also to set off the border patrol drug searcher dogs at the airport, just to “rub it in.”

There are also plans to include Deli-France vouchers towards the back of the passport book that would give up to 20% discounts to coupon holders, but would make little difference as the prices would be increasing anyway.

Further reactions are unpredictable, as it was also revealed that production would take place in France.

French companies are currently recruiting as many French beret wearing, onion peelers as possible to work in production factories.

Lux family buys Island in Mediterranean because it’s cheaper than apartment in town

A Luxembourgish family are reported to have purchased an island in the Mediterranean for 18 million euros.

The Island, close to Ibiza and Formentera, was sold to the anonymous family just last week.

Benelux News sent their reporters down to investigate and try to get an interview with the island’s new owner who wished to remain anonymous for the time being.

“It was all a bit unexpected really,” said the husband.

“We were looking at apartments in Luxembourg City, but they were all too expensive. In the end, we thought ‘sod it’ and just bought an island. It still leaves us with enough to buy some furniture from IKEA, but we need to go onto the main island of Ibiza for that.”

Nobody really sure why train stations exist between Arlon and Namur

A recent survey revealed that regular train passengers who travel from Luxembourg to Brussels have absolutely no idea why train stations even exist between Arlon and Namur.

The frustratingly slow train which travels between 2 major European cities has come under fire for being totally boring and even going as far as ridiculing the silly hats worn by train ticket collectors. 

But the big mystery seems to be why Belgian authorities have decided to build train stations in the middle of nowhere. 

Jean-Pierre is a regular commuter on Belgian trains; “I just don’t get it. Nobody ever gets on and nobody ever gets off. It’s like Willy Wonkas chocolate factory.”

His statement was backed up by a fellow passenger. “I saw a scout group get on once at Gembloux. It was very strange. I guess they had been camping somewhere in the great outdoors.”

Ski Twat Season only a matter of weeks away

Ski Twats across the country and indeed across Europe are already deciding on which ridiculously expensive, twatty sunglasses to wear on the ski slopes in the coming season.

Local sports shop owner, Jean-Claude, gave Benelux News an interview to tell us all about what’s been popular in the shop recently.

“The new ski outfits are flying out the door. I can’t keep up with the demand,” he said. “We are just selling the most ridiculous looking ski outfits to anyone. As soon as they look at it a bit strangely, I just tell them that it has a new ultra warming system inside and everyone will be wearing it on the slopes this year. Then they buy it straight away.”

“The same goes for the skis. If there is even a spec of dust on their skis from last year, I just tell them they might not be safe for the slopes. Works every time!”

One local man from Belair claimed he doesn’t mind pointlessly spending all that money, as long as he can brag and show off at the Apres Ski Party in the evenings.

“All I want to do, after a hard day of spraying people with snow when I pull up, is go to the party and be as loud and annoying as possible. It really is a fantastic holiday pastime.”

Expect monumental amounts of twats heading to a mountain near you soon!