Emile Weber and VDL bus drivers to meet for bareknuckle death fight

Representatives of Ville de Luxembourg and Emile Weber have confirmed that a number of bus drivers will meet soon for a bareknuckle death fight.

Tensions have been steadily rising since the construction of the tram in Kirchberg with VDL drivers claiming that Emile Weber drivers “just dump” their passengers in the middle of nowhere and leaving them to join their cool, city people on their buses.

Claims that the people coming in from the villages smell of manure have so far not been proved, however there are several witnesses who claim just that.

VDL’s current president said in a statement: “We are not messing around any more. We are sick of picking up these stranded people, who could easily be driven in to town.”

A spokesman for Emile Weber responded with: “Bring it on, bitches! We have got nothing to worry about, their top driver couldn’t fight his way out of a paper bag!”

The exact date is yet to be arranged, but it is rumoured that the location will be somewhere near the gare.

More info as we receive it.

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New season of Narcos starts filming in Esch

Eager fans of the famous Netflix series “Narcos” will be pleased to know that the new season is currently being filmed in Esch sur Alzette.

Local residents reported that the scenes being filmed were very realistic and almost gave the impression of being a city of crime, just like a real city.

After filming in various locations around the country, the new season is expected to be out after some ridiculously long period of time, like 2020 or something.

“Close the f*cking door!” season officially starts.

After the Schueberfouer has ended, the official season of “close the f*cking door” officially starts.

Bar, restaurant and cafe customers are being warned about on the spot fines for people who leave the door open after entering or exiting a premises.

Fines can be up to €250 for anyone who leaves the door open or holds the door open for their friend who is still chatting for more than 30 seconds.

The public are advised to remain vigilant and to report any unnecessary door opening behaviour.

Boring people launch petition to ban EVERYTHING

The national society for people who never get invited to parties launched an online petition this morning in a bid to ban absolutely any form of leisure or fun.

4,500 signatures are required in order for the proposed law to be discussed in Parliament and has already gained over 100 signatures.

The ban will include just about every fun activity, but if the activity cannot be banned then measures will be taken to make sure the activity is made as tedious as possible.

Not happy with banning smoking indoors, the ban proposes banning smoking on terraces and in the open air.

Bars and cafes are to have lines drawn around the premises, clearly showing where you are allowed to stand and where to breathe.

The lines will also extend on to the street to help Darwin award contestants figure out how to walk down the street.

Signs and announcements explaining how to use stairs and escalators will also be displayed, just for those people who haven’t figured out how to walk up down stairs after all these years.

“Fun” will be restricted to certain hours not going past 7pm which will restrict concerts to certain times and the music must not be loud at all. Audiences will also have to stand in exact marked spots or face being ejected from venues with the excuse of “insurance reasons” given in as vague a way as possible.

Bars and clubs will be closed by 7pm in case someone who lives 2kms away thinks they hear a cockroach fart and blames the bar owners.

Benelux News caught up with one voter who moved to Luxembourg from London 3 years ago.

“I just wanted to whine about everything I could” she said. “I never get invited to parties so why not moan and complain about everything. I moved here for the relaxing way of life and open mindedness, but I voted because I want to mess it up for no logical reason whatsoever.”

We waved good bye as she drove away in her highly polluting car while giving an angry look to a man smoking a cigarette on the neighbouring terrace.

More updates on the petition results as they come in.

Socks and Sandals to be made illegal by Summer 2019

New law proposals were approved this morning that would ban the wearing of socks with sandals in all public places by as early as next summer.

The bill was passed in the chambres des deputies with an overwhelming 94% vote in favour.

Checks at the gare as well as border controls will become stricter.

Extra security checks in supermarket parking areas are also expected to begin by May next year.

Heavy fines and possible custodial sentences for repeat offenders will be given to anyone of any age wearing this monstrosity.

You have been warned.

People who eat with their mouth open to be deported

Xavier Bettel this weekend managed to pass a new law that will see noisy eaters and people who eat with their mouth open be deported from Luxembourg.

The new law, which was passed with a 99% majority, bypasses all existing refugee and immigration laws, will hopefully be brought in before Christmas.

“By introducing this law as quickly as possible, we hope to brighten families Christmas dinners and meals for all of our citizens for years to come.” said a spokesman.

As the new law stands, offenders will be deported back to their country of origin, while any national passport holder will be held in solitary confinement in the old hospital in Ettelbréck for up to 6 months, and released part time in order to learn how to eat properly.

New plans outlined for airport in Hollerich

The Hollerich independence party this morning released the first image of the proposed Hollerich airport to be built once Hollerich has gained independence from Luxembourg.

The single terminal airport is expected to handle up to 100 flights per day and will be a destination for flights from as far away as LaRochette and Septfontaine.

Some surprise has come at the decision to build the new terminal on top of the existing cemetery. While some politicians have raised serious concerns over moral values of the construction location, the architects and planners insist they conducted a survey in the cemetery and received no objections.

“Having the airport located in Hollerich will put short haul budget flights such as Easyjet in direct competition with Luxembourg’s taxi companies, as they will be able to offer cheap, short flights from Findel to Hollerich and thus saving a lot of money for the consumer.” Said a spokesman.

When asked by Benelux News if there were any objections from neighbours in Merl, he replied: “Merl residents have always had life good and have always thought of themselves as ‘better than Hollerich’. We intend to change that attitude. We want to make everyone equally thought of and will be directing some of our flight paths directly over Merl park and will be adding an extra tax to local residents to cover the charge for the terminal cleaners. In return, we offer sandwiches and drinks at the airport at a fraction of the cost of Findel. I think the money saved on Crémant as pre holiday drinks will more than make up for the cost difference.”

The plans for the terminal and runways can be seen below.

hollerich_airport