Category: Daily Life

People who eat with their mouth open to be deported

by Benelux News, posted in Daily Life

Xavier Bettel this weekend managed to pass a new law that will see noisy eaters and people who eat with their mouth open be deported from Luxembourg.

The new law, which was passed with a 99% majority, bypasses all existing refugee and immigration laws, will hopefully be brought in before Christmas.

“By introducing this law as quickly as possible, we hope to brighten families Christmas dinners and meals for all of our citizens for years to come.” said a spokesman.

As the new law stands, offenders will be deported back to their country of origin, while any national passport holder will be held in solitary confinement in the old hospital in Ettelbréck for up to 6 months, and released part time in order to learn how to eat properly.

New plans outlined for airport in Hollerich

by Benelux News, posted in Daily Life

The Hollerich independence party this morning released the first image of the proposed Hollerich airport to be built once Hollerich has gained independence from Luxembourg.

The single terminal airport is expected to handle up to 100 flights per day and will be a destination for flights from as far away as LaRochette and Septfontaine.

Some surprise has come at the decision to build the new terminal on top of the existing cemetery. While some politicians have raised serious concerns over moral values of the construction location, the architects and planners insist they conducted a survey in the cemetery and received no objections.

“Having the airport located in Hollerich will put short haul budget flights such as Easyjet in direct competition with Luxembourg’s taxi companies, as they will be able to offer cheap, short flights from Findel to Hollerich and thus saving a lot of money for the consumer.” Said a spokesman.

When asked by Benelux News if there were any objections from neighbours in Merl, he replied: “Merl residents have always had life good and have always thought of themselves as ‘better than Hollerich’. We intend to change that attitude. We want to make everyone equally thought of and will be directing some of our flight paths directly over Merl park and will be adding an extra tax to local residents to cover the charge for the terminal cleaners. In return, we offer sandwiches and drinks at the airport at a fraction of the cost of Findel. I think the money saved on Crémant as pre holiday drinks will more than make up for the cost difference.”

The plans for the terminal and runways can be seen below.

hollerich_airport

Bettel proposes dropping elections and going straight to penalties

by Benelux News, posted in Daily Life

Xavier Bettel stunned politicians this morning after suggesting skipping this year’s election voting process and going straight to penalties.

The current Prime minister is so confident after seeing England’s victory over Colombia, that he too believes he can win the election by having a penalty shootout.

Fellow politicians are said to be in training for a potential penalty situation.

Emergency services issue warning to swiss football fans

by Benelux News, posted in Daily Life

Luxembourg’s emergency services issued a warning to football fans attending matches broadcast on the Glacis car park this morning, after dozens of Switzerland fans piled into the First Aid tent, thinking they could get a better view of the game while chanting “Hop Suisse”

Fans were reminded that the First Aid tent is for any people who may need emergency treatment.

Bus air-conditioning to become an “optional extra”

by Benelux News, posted in Daily Life

Sighs of relief were felt across the country today, as bus companies announced that air-conditioning in buses will be available on some routes as an “optional extra”.

Despite Luxembourg being one of the richest countries in the world, the standard of air conditioning in public buildings and public transport remains a laughing stock when compared to other poorer countries who live closer to the equator.

 

Immobilière puts bird house on market for €90,000

by Benelux News, posted in Daily Life

Immobilières across the country are delighted to have a new range of bird houses released on to the market this week, after it was announced they could fetch up to almost 100k.

There will be two types available, from the luxury bird penthouses (90k) to the smaller green birdhouses designed for social bird housing for around 55k.

“At only €2,000 per cm2,” said Jean-Claude a local Immobilière, “we expect these to be sold in no time.”

“They can be built almost anywhere and totally inside of the nature, including options for quick access to forest walks. A jogger’s paradise.”

The new birdhouses are being marketed towards chirpy young couples with a taste for the great outdoors.

Shop selling absolute crap somehow still in business

by Benelux News, posted in Daily Life

Mystery surrounds many shops in Luxembourg, between a mix of lazy service and rude shopkeepers, overpriced goods and just bizarre items on sale.

Benelux News has also come across several shops that sell absolute crap and somehow manage to stay in business after many years.

With rent so high for shops and commercial places, the general public seems to be completely baffled as to how they can afford to open the doors every morning.

In an exclusive interview with one shop owner, she said: “We have been winging it for almost 19 years now. I have no clue how we have done it. It’s usually just my friends who pop in to say hello. No customers really, apart from the odd guy looking for late, cbeap Christmas presents.”

How long they will last, only time will tell.

Bettel to tax cross border workers for not tipping restaurant staff

by Benelux News, posted in Daily Life

Xavier Bettel this morning proposed a new law which would see tax reforms come in that would make up for lost revenue from lack of bar and restaurant staff tips.

Under the new law, French cross border workers would be penalised when crossing the border by being made to put at least 2 euros into a tip box located at the side of the motorway where border posts are, or on the final train stations platforms just inside the Luxembourg borders.

A government spokesman said “The fact is that the French are well known for giving little, or no tips. With all the money they earn here, they should be tipping bar and restaurant staff much better, but they don’t. So we will reclaim that money at the border.”