Category: Daily Life

Supermarket security guard thinks EVERYONE is a shoplifter

by Benelux News, posted in Daily Life

An exclusive interview with a Luxembourg security guard revealed that all supermarket security are under strict orders to suspect EVERYONE of shoplifting, regardless of age, gender or colour.

“We believe that everyone is a potential thief here,” said the guard who comes from Thionville. “Even the old ladies with a member card from the shop since 10 years or more are a potential threat and may try to steal some eggs. We can’t take any chances.”

Benelux News caught up with one customer, Josephine, who explained her frustration with being hassled every time she tries to enter the supermarket. 

“It really is stupid,” she said. “I am treated like a criminal every time I come to buy my groceries. One day I’m going to take my mobility scooter and ram-raid this f*cking place!”

Cora, Auchan and Cactus refused to comment. 

Gotham Club to be renamed Fight Club

by Benelux News, posted in Daily Life

The infamous Gotham Club in Limpertsberg has announced plans to rebrand under the new name; Fight Club.

The new name was decided after dozens of reviews of the club on its Facebook page of clients complaining of being beaten up by the security staff.

“We had so many reports of customers having the crap beaten out of them that we just decided that was what we had to name it,” said manager Bob Ballface.

“Our policy is basically to get people in, get them to spend as much money as possible on overpriced bottles of alcohol and then kick the crap out of them once we think they have no money left.”

“If anyone complains, we just ignore them and carry on like nothing happened, while claiming to be the best club in the world, which everyone knows is bullshit.”

Want to get beaten up after a bottle of cheap champagne? Then head to Gotham this weekend for even more bad music and bad attitude!

3 days of national mourning declared after beer spillage on roundabout

by Benelux News, posted in Daily Life

Xavier Bettel today declared 3 days of national mourning after a massive beer spillage on a roundabout between Holtzhum and Hosingen.

Local police arrived quickly at the scene with straws to try to save what they could. But the beers were declared dead at the scene.

A 1 minute silence will be held in bars across the country at 12 midday on Thursday.

All local residents have been advised to consume as much beer as possible, as you never know what will happen next.

 

Government steps up campaign to warn people about the dangers of krack

by Benelux News, posted in Daily Life

A new campaign was announced this morning after the news broke of 14 people being put out on the street after years of what was described as “working in a public krack shop.”

“It had got to the point where anyone could just walk in and buy what they wanted and walk out within minutes.” Said one of the workers who preferred not to be named. “It was crazy.”

The workers were aware of a guy who was in charge, but never met him. “We were constantly told about some guy named Joseph, but nobody ever saw him. We were told he was always close by.”

Police investigations are on going while the campaign goes to press.

Limpertsberg residents urged to park their cars on the street during Schueberfouer

by Benelux News, posted in Daily Life

As thousands of related people descend on to the Glacis in Limpertsberg for the annual Schueberfouer, the local commune has urged all Limpertsberg residents to park their cars in the street just to annoy people trying to find a parking space.

This practice has been going on for a long time, but now the commune is encouraging more locals to take part.

“We have been doing this for years,” said one local lady. “It’s always fun to see people driving towards the very edge of Limpertsberg and still not finding a space. I always chuckle when I see people in their car becoming more frustrated and knowing that my car is parked in the street instead of my driveway. It’s very satisfying.”

 

Luxembourg bus driver moodiness reaches fever pitch

by Benelux News, posted in Daily Life

Panic spread among bus passengers today as a Luxembourg bus driver went on a road rage rampage in the city.

After deciding that he had “had enough of all the bullshit”,  the driver rammed another bus by the place de paris in a fit of rage.

Benelux News reporters were first on the scene and got an exclusive interview with the driver.

“Nobody says ‘moien’ when getting on the bus any more. They all say ‘bonjour’ and it really is getting worse and worse.”

The driver was lead away while we tried to continue the interview. 

More updates as they come.

Luxembourg joins list of global abandoned cities while the whole country goes on holiday 

by Benelux News, posted in Daily Life

Reports came in this morning that Luxembourg has officially joined the official list of global abandoned cities after almost the entire population went on holiday. 

Shops and restaurants closed throughout the city and people were nowhere to be seen.

Despite worry from local business owners, local politicians reassured them that “they’ll be back soon.”

Woman who claims “Life’s a Beach” has to be back in the office on Monday 

by Benelux News, posted in Daily Life

Shock and disbelief spread throughout the country this morning as the news arrived that the girl who is friends with a lot of people on Facebook and instagram has to be back at work on Monday morning. 

As details leaked, it turns out that her life is not spent on a beach and in fact only spent a week on a bargain priced holiday. 

There was nothing spiritual about her beach photos and certainly nothing as magic as the instagram filters would suggest. 

By posting such pictures constantly online, she was kind of hoping for some kind of fame. The sad reality that there won’t be hoards of fans waiting for her at the airport when she lands seems to be becoming more real. Even after checking in to the airport to say she is travelling home.

There are currently 648 emails in her work inbox which need to be replied to before Wednesday. 

New results show Luxembourg citizens to be the richest poor people in the world

by Benelux News, posted in Daily Life

Fresh results were published this morning showing that Luxembourg’s citizens are actually the richest poor people in the world.

The study was researched heavily looking into different areas, such as housing, food, electric and water charges and the price of an Humpen.

Shocking results showed that despite seemingly good salaries, it still wasn’t enough to cover general living costs and to be able to uphold mild alcoholism.

Immobilieres who regularly take the absolute p*ss with housing and rental prices are apparently very much to blame.

“I go to work every morning, earn a good salary and what is it for?” said one local banker who asked to remain anonymous. “I can’t afford to get on the housing ladder, even together with my wife. It’s economic slavery.”

Benelux News will be following progress closely and will report as soon as we get another stupid report that house prices rose 19% in just 3 hours.

More to follow.

Sports fashionista unsure whether to start playing football or tennis

by Benelux News, posted in Daily Life

A man from Strassen was today reported to be suffering from extreme confusion after two successful sports matches in one week for Luxembourg nationals.

The man, believed to be suffering from a midlife crisis, can no longer decide what to invest hundreds of euros of sports equipment in.

“I saw that Andy Schleck won the Tour de France a few years ago and decided to take up cycling and wear stupid looking cycling shorts in order to impress my colleagues and hopefully one of the women who lives at the end of my street,” said the man.

“When Andy Schleck decided to stop cycling, I didn’t really know what to do any more and kind of just decided to hang my bicycle in my garage in such a position that my neighbours might be able to see it when I open the garage.”

With an international competition win from Niederkorn last week and Muller beating Nadal at Wimbledon this week, the man admits he is more than confused at how to look cool now.

“I just couldn’t make up my mind which new sport fashion to follow. So I have decided to always carry around an oversized sports bag that makes me look like a semi pro tennis player and keep it next to my desk in the office, while annoying my fellow colleagues who have to step over it every time they need to pass.”

“For trying to impress my neighbour, I have decided to buy a goal for the garden and show off by beating my son at football.”

It certainly seems to be a busy summer for this man.