Luxembourg Police storm voting centres to block Hollerich vote for independence

Luxembourg police in riot gear smashed in the doors of polling stations and dragged protesters away by the hair, beating some with batons and firing rubber bullets at others on Sunday as they tried to shut down an illegal referendum on independence in Hollerich.

Despite the police brutality against largely peaceful demonstrations, voting began in many locations across Hollerich and the gare area at 9 a.m. The Hollerich government said 73 percent of polling stations were open.

It’s unclear when or, indeed, if a result will be announced and no exit polls are planned, though those who do vote are likely to be overwhelmingly from the pro-independence camp. A non-binding vote in 2014, also held in defiance of the Luxembourgish courts, saw 80 percent back a split from Luxembourg on turnout of about 30 percent. In the most recent Hollerich government poll in July, 35 percent of respondents said the region should become independent.

More news as it comes in.


Supermarket security guard thinks EVERYONE is a shoplifter

An exclusive interview with a Luxembourg security guard revealed that all supermarket security are under strict orders to suspect EVERYONE of shoplifting, regardless of age, gender or colour.

“We believe that everyone is a potential thief here,” said the guard who comes from Thionville. “Even the old ladies with a member card from the shop since 10 years or more are a potential threat and may try to steal some eggs. We can’t take any chances.”

Benelux News caught up with one customer, Josephine, who explained her frustration with being hassled every time she tries to enter the supermarket. 

“It really is stupid,” she said. “I am treated like a criminal every time I come to buy my groceries. One day I’m going to take my mobility scooter and ram-raid this f*cking place!”

Cora, Auchan and Cactus refused to comment. 

Gotham Club to be renamed Fight Club

The infamous Gotham Club in Limpertsberg has announced plans to rebrand under the new name; Fight Club.

The new name was decided after dozens of reviews of the club on its Facebook page of clients complaining of being beaten up by the security staff.

“We had so many reports of customers having the crap beaten out of them that we just decided that was what we had to name it,” said manager Bob Ballface.

“Our policy is basically to get people in, get them to spend as much money as possible on overpriced bottles of alcohol and then kick the crap out of them once we think they have no money left.”

“If anyone complains, we just ignore them and carry on like nothing happened, while claiming to be the best club in the world, which everyone knows is bullshit.”

Want to get beaten up after a bottle of cheap champagne? Then head to Gotham this weekend for even more bad music and bad attitude!

3 days of national mourning declared after beer spillage on roundabout

Xavier Bettel today declared 3 days of national mourning after a massive beer spillage on a roundabout between Holtzhum and Hosingen.

Local police arrived quickly at the scene with straws to try to save what they could. But the beers were declared dead at the scene.

A 1 minute silence will be held in bars across the country at 12 midday on Thursday.

All local residents have been advised to consume as much beer as possible, as you never know what will happen next.


Government steps up campaign to warn people about the dangers of krack

A new campaign was announced this morning after the news broke of 14 people being put out on the street after years of what was described as “working in a public krack shop.”

“It had got to the point where anyone could just walk in and buy what they wanted and walk out within minutes.” Said one of the workers who preferred not to be named. “It was crazy.”

The workers were aware of a guy who was in charge, but never met him. “We were constantly told about some guy named Joseph, but nobody ever saw him. We were told he was always close by.”

Police investigations are on going while the campaign goes to press.

Limpertsberg residents urged to park their cars on the street during Schueberfouer

As thousands of related people descend on to the Glacis in Limpertsberg for the annual Schueberfouer, the local commune has urged all Limpertsberg residents to park their cars in the street just to annoy people trying to find a parking space.

This practice has been going on for a long time, but now the commune is encouraging more locals to take part.

“We have been doing this for years,” said one local lady. “It’s always fun to see people driving towards the very edge of Limpertsberg and still not finding a space. I always chuckle when I see people in their car becoming more frustrated and knowing that my car is parked in the street instead of my driveway. It’s very satisfying.”


Luxembourg bus driver moodiness reaches fever pitch

Panic spread among bus passengers today as a Luxembourg bus driver went on a road rage rampage in the city.

After deciding that he had “had enough of all the bullshit”,  the driver rammed another bus by the place de paris in a fit of rage.

Benelux News reporters were first on the scene and got an exclusive interview with the driver.

“Nobody says ‘moien’ when getting on the bus any more. They all say ‘bonjour’ and it really is getting worse and worse.”

The driver was lead away while we tried to continue the interview. 

More updates as they come.