Annoying guy won’t stop touching friend’s arm during conversation 

Tempers rose today after a seemingly quiet and fun conversation turned into a strange touchfest.

As two men were enjoying a cold beer in a local bar, a silent rage was building inside one of the friends as the other one would not stop touching his arm while talking. 

“It was so annoying,” said the victim. “It was like he thought I wasn’t listening to him. I was so close to punching him in the face. I just had to make my excuses and leave after the second beer.”

Lessons in drinking etiquette are currently being proposed by local support groups to government officials.

Advertisements

People who push in through back doors of buses “eager to get started” on new challenge

A spokesperson for the association of people who push in through the back doors of buses before other passengers can get off stated this morning that it’s members are getting very excited about the new tram coming and are “eager to get started”.

“Our members have been practising for months now and are highly confident we can cause just as much of a nuisance pushing our way on to the tram as we can with buses.”

In anticipation of the tram project, members of the association have been practising extra hard and even taking on challenges such as the side entrance doors to Utopolis and entrance to the Gare during rush hour.

“The trick will be pushing on but not breaking the tram doors”, said the spokesperson. “But we are confident we can pull this off.”

Luxembourg Police reveal 2017 Halloween party costumes 

Luxembourg Police announced earlier this morning their new design for their annual Halloween party. 

The chief of Police was said to be extremely happy with the new design and said that they may even decide to wear the costumes permanently in the future because he described them as “really comfy”. 

The design, based on a Peugeot lion that had gone crazy and prowled the streets of Luxembourg looking for callef (baby cow) victims, had apparently caused a big laugh in the offices and the Police cells alike, is sure to be a big success. 

Expect to see a fresh fashion parade walking the streets near you soon!

Luxembourg Police storm voting centres to block Hollerich vote for independence

Luxembourg police in riot gear smashed in the doors of polling stations and dragged protesters away by the hair, beating some with batons and firing rubber bullets at others on Sunday as they tried to shut down an illegal referendum on independence in Hollerich.

Despite the police brutality against largely peaceful demonstrations, voting began in many locations across Hollerich and the gare area at 9 a.m. The Hollerich government said 73 percent of polling stations were open.

It’s unclear when or, indeed, if a result will be announced and no exit polls are planned, though those who do vote are likely to be overwhelmingly from the pro-independence camp. A non-binding vote in 2014, also held in defiance of the Luxembourgish courts, saw 80 percent back a split from Luxembourg on turnout of about 30 percent. In the most recent Hollerich government poll in July, 35 percent of respondents said the region should become independent.

More news as it comes in.

Supermarket security guard thinks EVERYONE is a shoplifter

An exclusive interview with a Luxembourg security guard revealed that all supermarket security are under strict orders to suspect EVERYONE of shoplifting, regardless of age, gender or colour.

“We believe that everyone is a potential thief here,” said the guard who comes from Thionville. “Even the old ladies with a member card from the shop since 10 years or more are a potential threat and may try to steal some eggs. We can’t take any chances.”

Benelux News caught up with one customer, Josephine, who explained her frustration with being hassled every time she tries to enter the supermarket. 

“It really is stupid,” she said. “I am treated like a criminal every time I come to buy my groceries. One day I’m going to take my mobility scooter and ram-raid this f*cking place!”

Cora, Auchan and Cactus refused to comment. 

Gotham Club to be renamed Fight Club

The infamous Gotham Club in Limpertsberg has announced plans to rebrand under the new name; Fight Club.

The new name was decided after dozens of reviews of the club on its Facebook page of clients complaining of being beaten up by the security staff.

“We had so many reports of customers having the crap beaten out of them that we just decided that was what we had to name it,” said manager Bob Ballface.

“Our policy is basically to get people in, get them to spend as much money as possible on overpriced bottles of alcohol and then kick the crap out of them once we think they have no money left.”

“If anyone complains, we just ignore them and carry on like nothing happened, while claiming to be the best club in the world, which everyone knows is bullshit.”

Want to get beaten up after a bottle of cheap champagne? Then head to Gotham this weekend for even more bad music and bad attitude!

3 days of national mourning declared after beer spillage on roundabout

Xavier Bettel today declared 3 days of national mourning after a massive beer spillage on a roundabout between Holtzhum and Hosingen.

Local police arrived quickly at the scene with straws to try to save what they could. But the beers were declared dead at the scene.

A 1 minute silence will be held in bars across the country at 12 midday on Thursday.

All local residents have been advised to consume as much beer as possible, as you never know what will happen next.