Tag: luxembourg

Local woman convinced she is actually saving money during shop sales

by Benelux News, posted in Europe

Benelux News caught up with a local woman this week who is absolutely convinced she is saving money by buying more things in shops displaying the “soldes” or sales sign in the window. 

The signs work as a kind of magnet for women while walking within 3 square kilometres of a shop, according to sources. Which has tricked many women on a global scale into actually believing they are saving money by spending less than they would have done normally. 

“Look, I saved 60% on these new shoes.” said the lady when approached by our reporters. “I saved 40% on this bag and 20% on this top.”

Benelux News reporters then pulled out a calculator to show that she hadn’t actually saved anything at all, which seemed to fall on deaf ears.

There seemed to be no perception of reality at all as she drifted off in the direction of another soldes sign.

Sports fashionista unsure whether to start playing football or tennis

by Benelux News, posted in Daily Life

A man from Strassen was today reported to be suffering from extreme confusion after two successful sports matches in one week for Luxembourg nationals.

The man, believed to be suffering from a midlife crisis, can no longer decide what to invest hundreds of euros of sports equipment in.

“I saw that Andy Schleck won the Tour de France a few years ago and decided to take up cycling and wear stupid looking cycling shorts in order to impress my colleagues and hopefully one of the women who lives at the end of my street,” said the man.

“When Andy Schleck decided to stop cycling, I didn’t really know what to do any more and kind of just decided to hang my bicycle in my garage in such a position that my neighbours might be able to see it when I open the garage.”

With an international competition win from Niederkorn last week and Muller beating Nadal at Wimbledon this week, the man admits he is more than confused at how to look cool now.

“I just couldn’t make up my mind which new sport fashion to follow. So I have decided to always carry around an oversized sports bag that makes me look like a semi pro tennis player and keep it next to my desk in the office, while annoying my fellow colleagues who have to step over it every time they need to pass.”

“For trying to impress my neighbour, I have decided to buy a goal for the garden and show off by beating my son at football.”

It certainly seems to be a busy summer for this man.

Schueberfouer announces new VIP bar exclusively for married cousins

by Benelux News, posted in Daily Life

Luxembourg’s famous Schueberfouer announced this morning that there will be a new bar set up within the event that will be open exclusively for married cousins. 

The announcement came after market research revealed a big demand from people from the north of Luxembourg wanting a place to have fun with their relatives.

A variety of events will be announced including; Incest Speed Dating and Cousin Car Key Swapping. 

Organisers hope this will attract a larger part of the northern population to visit the event.

More events to be announced soon.

Parents planning to take screaming kids to over 18 drinking establishments this weekend 

by Benelux News, posted in Daily Life

Parents around the country are planning on taking their kids to bars this week in celebration of the hot weather. 

The children will be forced to attend lunches and various activities in over 18s drinking establishments where adults will be trying to enjoy a cold beer in the sun.

“I just let my kids scream and run around”,  said one father.

“If anyone complains, we will just give them a funny look like they shouldn’t be in a pub if they don’t like kids.”

Concerns are growing amongst the adult drinking community as strip clubs are increasingly becoming the only places to retreat for a quiet beer. But as the prices rise and the strippers get pregnant, it seems only a matter of time until strip clubs get converted in to creches.

Measures are being taken by a certain few, such as secretly giving the hyperactive kids Red Bull just 5 minutes before they leave the bar.

Luxembourg buses to be equipped with coffee machines for driver changeovers 

by Benelux News, posted in Daily Life

New luxuries are to be introduced later this year to make bus drivers feel more at home on the job.

Coffee machines will be on board every city centre bus from September. 

Placed just above the dashboard, next to the ticket machine, they will be ideally placed between the old driver and the replacement driver and will be perfect for the long conversation that occurs during the changeover.

Bus companies are hoping this will add on extra time to their average journey times.

Train passengers stranded since 2 years near Bettembourg 

by Benelux News, posted in Daily Life

Concerns are rising about the health of over 70 train passengers currently stranded near Bettembourg for over 2 years.

The train has been in the same spot after severe problems at Bettembourg station and it appears the train has been forgotten about completely. 

Friends and relatives have been giving food supplies through the windows of the train because the driver cannot open the doors because of insurance risks.

“It’s been almost 26 months now,” said one of the passengers. “They keep making announcements that we should be moving shortly, but nothing happens.” 

As Benelux News was going to press, rumours were beginning to circulate that the driver is confident they will be home in time for Christmas. 

More updates to come soon.

Waitress determined to finish her conversation before serving next customer 

by Benelux News, posted in Daily Life

A city centre waitress was praised by colleagues today after trying exceptionally hard to finish her conversation before taking an order from a patiently waiting customer.

The customer had been waiting for some time to be able to buy a coffee and a croissant, but had to wait extra long while the waitress finished talking with her colleague.

“I simply pretend not to notice,” she said. “I don’t really care if the customer waits or not, I need to discuss pointless things with my work colleagues.” 

As Benelux News was going to press, she was reported to be taking extra time finding change. 

Weekend plans cancelled after man caught with 15,000 ecstasy pills at Findel Airport 

by Benelux News, posted in Daily Life

Party people cancelled all weekend plans at the last minute this afternoon, after a man carrying 15,000 ecstasy pills was caught while travelling through Findel Airport today.

Bars and clubs are expecting a quiet weekend and are looking for ways to entice people into their establishments.

A high number of free shots are expected to be given out to disappointed punters.

French public ready to strike and have a riot, regardless of election result

by Benelux News, posted in Europe

A survey performed this week about the French public’s opinion about the final results of the national election have proved to be reasonably neutral.

In the run down to the final voting session between Le Pen and Macron, it would seem that either way this turns, the French are ready to call in a national strike and plan to destroy their neighbourhoods once again.

“We do not like any politicians”, commented one man in the street. “They can all go to hell”.

Benelux News is currently setting up various spots around France and will bring you the news on the situation as it breaks.

Entire bar waits 2 hours to be served as wanker orders 7 different gin & tonics

by Benelux News, posted in Daily Life

Crowd control security was called in to a city centre bar last weekend as people waited to be served.

According to witnesses, a man ordered 7 different Gin & Tonics for his friends which made waiting times even worse than normal. 

Each recipe required various bar staff to collect ingredients from different sections of the bar which included the stock room and even borrowing ingredients from neighbouring businesses. 

The entire fiasco ended after over 2 hours and the bar is now revising it’s drinks menu and service plan.