Category: Daily Life

New bar owner convinced that the general public are rich

by Benelux News, posted in Daily Life

A new bar opened in the city centre last week which is hoping to cause quite a stir.

The bar owner has so far spent the last 6 days convincing himself that the crowds of people are on their way from their homes to spend money on over priced drinks.

“I made my prices ridiculously high so that people would think it’s cool to be here,” the bar owner said. “Despite the fact that we are serving the same drinks as anywhere else, by charging stupidly high prices, people will hopefully think we are somewhere cool and different.” 

At €15 a Mojito and €4 a small beer, it could just be the wankiest place in town.

New Creche for bad parents will accept your new baby just 30 minutes after birth

by Benelux News, posted in Daily Life

Plans were given the go ahead this morning to create a new Creche that will adapt to the needs of crap parents in and around Luxembourg city.

The new site will be built in Kirchberg and will be able to accommodate up to 350 babies and young children and will be offering to pick up your new born child from the maternity ward just 30 MINUTES after child birth.

“We got the idea after we had many requests to start looking after babies at just 2 months old,” said one of the entrepreneurs, “we thought if there is a market for avoiding parenting after only 2 months, then why don’t we just go the whole way and pick up the child from the maternity ward?! They won’t be able to tell they have real parents anyway!”

There are other exciting ideas for the future from currently pregnant subscribers. “I think it’s a really great idea,” said one particular terrible mother, “I can get back to the office less than an hour after birth and get back to finishing those all important reports and hopefully get some overtime in too!”

Plans are currently being developed to have a joined on dormitory to accommodate children that parents want absolutely nothing to do with in order to avoid parenting completely; “We are really excited to have this extra feature, which will not only increase our value as a company, but also to solve the problem for parents who just collect their child at the end of the day and put them straight to bed without really giving a damn.”

The new Creche is planned to be built this coming summer in Kirchberg, close to some big banks.

Last bits of leftover Braderie junk sold as men go last minute Christmas shopping

by Benelux News, posted in Daily Life

Shop owners were able to raise a glass after shops closed today as the last bits of leftovers from the Braderie were sold to men doing Christmas shopping.

“We thought we had to wait until the January sales,” said one shop worker. “It really has been a great day and has freed up some space in the store rooms so we can have our Christmas party.”

Expect some great presents under the tree this year!

 

Tax office workers receive calculators as Christmas bonus.

by Benelux News, posted in Daily Life

Tax office workers were today awarded calculators to help “get things right” at work.

After only being able to calculate up until 2013 using bean counters and their fingers, the new bonus promises to help them get up to speed abd hopefully be able to get the right calculations, instead of just sending out random predictions and “guesses” to how much tax people owe.

Management welcomed the move and had decided that this was a good investment that not only saved money on paying the 13th month bonus, it would also save time and money in the long run.

“With the money we save, hopefully we can shave off some of the old wood who were just employed because they are local,” said a spokesman.

The future may be looking up for Luxembourg taxes.

Pushchair and Pram Licenses to be introduced in the new year

by Benelux News, posted in Daily Life

Luxembourg government announced this week that on the 1st January,  a new license system for pushchairs and prams will be introduced. 

All parents must pass a strict exam which will test their ability to not disturb the general public in busy shopping streets, shops, restaurants and even museums. 

A strict ban on allowing pushchairs in to bars will also take effect, with heavy fines being given to offenders, such as buying the whole bar a drink.

Foldable pushchairs will also be obligated to be folded up on the bus, unless the child is inside the pushchair covered by a fully soundproofed layer.

“Open minded” woman only wants to hear songs she knows at Christmas party. 

by Benelux News, posted in Daily Life

Local DJs are bracing themselves for the Christmas party period as crap song requests will be rife across the party season. 

All kinds of junk from Wham to Rihanna, to Celine Dion are expected to be asked for, and if the DJs don’t play them, their drunk boyfriend will come and shout at them.

“We see this kind of thing every year,” said one local DJ. “These people never go out, but when the free Christmas drinks paid for by the company start flowing, it becomes a danger zone.”

Benelux News recommends keeping an eye on your colleagues and make sure they don’t harrass the DJ who is only trying to do their job.

“You can always see the ones who are no good at going out.” said another DJ we spoke to. “They have no idea of sense of space and no rhythm when they dance. we are always cautious of them. you know they are the ones who request the most crap.”

“Christmas is a time for giving” claims barman charging €3.50 for a 25cl beer at Christmas Market

by Benelux News, posted in Daily Life

People this year were reminded that Christmas is a time for giving while Christmas stands were charging customers higher prices for drinks and food than normal bars.

While paying just €40 a day for stall rent and having volunteer staff working his Christmas stall, the local man running the stand said; “It’s a time for giving and what better way than to give me all their money?!”

“I try to be as tight as possible with drinks and food and just hope that the Christmas music playing all around will distract the people from the fact that I am ripping them off. It’s certainly worked so far!”

When asked by Benelux News team how much he pays to buy in certain goods, he suddenly became busy and not available for comment.

 

 

Hungover man can’t believe he forgot to visit the Cuba stand at International Bazaar 

by Benelux News, posted in Daily Life

As more news reports emerge about the death of Fidel Castro, the sudden realisation from a local man that he forgot to visit the Cuba stand at the International Bazaar this weekend kicked in.

The man suddenly realised on the bus to work this morning as he read the news reports on his phone. 

“I can’t believe it,” said the man. “I was looking forward to it for weeks before and one drink led to another and I just completely forgot.” 

Benelux News can confirm that he is already planning a route for next year’s bazaar and hopes he will stick to that plan.

Luxembourg drinkers planning annual global “research” trip

by Benelux News, posted in Daily Life

Beer and wine fanatics are currently getting into shape for the International Bazaar at Luxembourg’s expo this weekend.

The annual global research trip is seen as a way of getting an accurate idea of cultures from various countries by drinking their beers and wine.

“Results from previous years have been vague, but the research must and will go on,” claimed one of the researchers. 

The International Bazaar will be open all day Saturday and Sunday. 

Workers Union called in after government employee asked to do some work

by Benelux News, posted in Daily Life

Workers Unions were alerted today after a city centre government employee was asked to do some work.

The work involved was deemed as a large task, expected to take at least 35 minutes to complete, that would involve sending 2 emails and walking to the printer which jams regularly for no apparent reason. 

Sources say that the additional work and stress of the bad conditions surrounding the printer could have caused the employee to miss part of their 2 hour lunch break and maybe interrupted their afternoon conversation over a cremant. 

The workers union will be closely watching all activities in the government office, as well as protests outside the building for the remainder of the week.