Category: Daily Life

Luxembourg’s taxis are already adjusting the meters inside the cars in preparation for this weekend, as many people return from their holidays.

“We are going to take full advantage of the hot weather and the fact that many people will be drinking for extended periods of time on the terraces,” said Pierre, a taxi driver in Luxembourg since many years.

“The people will probably be drunk by the time they decide to take a cab, so altering the pricing meters and taking the longer route to their destination won’t be so noticeable to them.”

Expect a queue of over-priced taxis, parked illegally near your favourite bar all weekend.

A spokesman for the Luxembourg Police force today announced that tough new measures in fighting crime are to be enforced, starting this week all over the country.

Officers walking the streets and responding to late night call outs will be armed with cushions, in order to gain respect from potential criminals posing a threat.

“The new cushions have been tested this week with fantastic results,” said the spokesman. “We managed to take control of a dangerous situation of some teenagers drinking beer at home and also protecting our officers from a baby cow.”

Not only can the new cushions be used as a necessary protection measure, they can also be very effective at assisting officers in the afternoons during siesta time.

Frustration, panic and chaos erupted today as a large queue of people became frustrated while a total moron took almost 10 minutes to finish using a bancomat machine in the city centre of Luxembourg.

During the lunch break of most workers in the city, the middle aged man arrived at the cashpoint and inserted his bank card. Two people arrived just seconds after and started waiting patiently behind him, feeling sure he would be done in a matter of seconds.

Suspicions started to grow once they noticed that it had taken almost a full minute between the time of inserting the card and typing in his pin code.

As the man then took almost another full minute to select which service he wanted to use, the queue gained another two people.

“The problem really started after he withdrew the first card”, said the woman standing directly behind, “He didn’t withdraw any money, so I thought he didn’t have any money, or was just checking his account… But then the another card was taken out from his wallet and went in the machine, it was at that point somebody sighed behind me loudly, I knew something was going to happen.”

As the second card experience was coming to an end, again with no cash withdrawal, the queue had grown to over 10 people.

“The third card went in to the machine and that’s when it all kicked off.”

Loud whispers of “Putain” were heard towards the back, as people wanting their lunch started to leave the queue.

When the man finally withdrew ten euros with the final card, he made extra sure to spend an extra 30 seconds placing the money in his wallet carefully in front of the bancomat, while blocking anyone else to be able to use it.

“Nobody knew when it was going to end, but thankfully it did and I withdrew 20 euros from the machine in record time, hoping that the message would somehow subconciously melt into the brain of the man before me.”

Local banks are currently considering higher charges for people who spend more than 1 minute at cash machines. Watch this space.

A Luxembourg shopkeeper will attempt to offend as many customers as possible this week in a world record attempt on the Grand Rue.

The 5 day record attempt will see the shopkeeper attempt to offend more than 250 potential customers who enter his shop from Monday to Friday between 9am and 6pm.

The previous record, held also by a shopkeeper on the Grand-Rue in Luxembourg City, currently stands at 238 customers in one week.

“There are many ways to achieve the goal”, said the man. “I can just be incredibly slow at taking notice that a customer is there, or I can sigh heavily when someone asks if they can try a different size of clothing.”

“We try hard to not recognise customers”, added his assistant. “I will try to be as disorganised as possible, but the real cherry on the cake comes when my boss acts stressed out when the customer is paying. He really has worked out his craft.”

The shopkeeper added; “My family are well connected here, so we really don’t give a damn if the customer is happy or not. We simply increase our prices by 250% to make up for the loss in trade. We know that you can buy the same shit just over the border for half the price, but why would they go there if they can be seen shopping in the shop of someone with a well known family but nobody really knows why.”

• You can see the record attempt live all this week (and other weeks too) by visiting the shop on the Grand Rue this week.

This week the low cost airline carrier, Easyjet who have been operating out of Luxembourg airport for over 2 years now, have announced a new route to work in competition with Luxembourg taxis.

The new route, which will depart 4 times a day, including 1 late night flight, will start in September and will stop at Grevenmacher, via Roodt-Syre.

In an interview with Easyjet Boss, Stelios Haji-Ioannou, he said: “We are really excited about this new route. I think the residents of Luxembourg will finally be happy that they can get home quicker and cheaper than a taxi.”

As it stands, it is currently cheaper to fly to London, than it is to get a taxi to Grevenmacher.

“140 euros is the cab price from Luxembourg ville to Grevenmacher, so we thought we would offer a faster service for just 80 euros return, which is currently the price of our London route.”

“We hope after this service becomes successful, we will then open other flight routes to Wiltz, Bourscheid and Echternach.”

The Easyjet website is currently updating and bookings will be available soon.

A much anticipated barbecue scheduled for this weekend has been called off after a vegan confirmed her attendance on facebook.

Up to 40 friends were expected at the event near Limpertsberg. The facebook event was advertised as “open to anyone who brings food”. The invitations quickly spiralled out of control as personal SMS messages were sent between the vegan and a confirmed attendee. After the vegan confirmed her attendance on the facebook event, an investigation took place which resulted in a group decision to cancel the event.

“We decided not to take any risks”, said the main organiser on Friday afternoon. “With an event this size, it’s important to take the best care of the majority of the crowd.”

Any disappointed barbecue goers need not fear, there will be another date set in the calendar, with a registration process and invites being sent out in a “Glastonbury” ticket style of distribution.

More info soon.

A waitress in a city centre restaurant was arrested yesterday evening after pouring a beer too fast into a customers’ drink.

A middle aged couple had gone for a quiet meal in a nice quiet restaurant in the centre and had only just received their drinks after ordering food.

A glass of wine was poured for the wife, but before the man could politely refuse, the waitress had already picked up the beer bottle and started to pour it vertically into the glass, leaving 3/4 foam on top of the beer.

Having not realised her mistake, the waitress walked off to collect some empty plates from a nearby table, leaving the man completely shocked.

Police were called at around 8.35pm and decided to close the restaurant until further notice, with a temporary license ban while an investigation takes place.

The restaurant owners were not available for comment.

Plans were revealed earlier today that Luxembourg’s newest shopping centre, due to be opened in the coming year, will be selling the same products with the same shops as anywhere else.

The multi-million euro complex will be spending millions on marketing and investment in to the same shops you can find anywhere else. Prices will remain ridiculously high, while at the same time, trying to pull in a crowd of shoppers who apparently can’t be found just 1.5km away in the city centre.

“We will just be selling the same old shit”, said a corporate spokesperson. “If we can find a way of selling the same old crap in a different location, we will take that opportunity.”

“Of course we want to bring something to the area, so we thought major traffic jams and being a general nuisance to the local community would be really fun.”

“We don’t really give a shit that Luxembourg was once Europe’s City of Culture, we just want to make money selling crap to teenagers and bored housewives, it’s definitely where the market is heading and we are very excited.”