Reports came in this morning that Luxembourg has officially joined the official list of global abandoned cities after almost the entire population went on holiday.
Shops and restaurants closed throughout the city and people were nowhere to be seen.
Despite worry from local business owners, local politicians reassured them that “they’ll be back soon.”
Benelux News caught up with a local woman this week who is absolutely convinced she is saving money by buying more things in shops displaying the “soldes” or sales sign in the window.
The signs work as a kind of magnet for women while walking within 3 square kilometres of a shop, according to sources. Which has tricked many women on a global scale into actually believing they are saving money by spending less than they would have done normally.
“Look, I saved 60% on these new shoes.” said the lady when approached by our reporters. “I saved 40% on this bag and 20% on this top.”
Benelux News reporters then pulled out a calculator to show that she hadn’t actually saved anything at all, which seemed to fall on deaf ears.
There seemed to be no perception of reality at all as she drifted off in the direction of another soldes sign.
Shock and disbelief spread throughout the country this morning as the news arrived that the girl who is friends with a lot of people on Facebook and instagram has to be back at work on Monday morning.
As details leaked, it turns out that her life is not spent on a beach and in fact only spent a week on a bargain priced holiday.
There was nothing spiritual about her beach photos and certainly nothing as magic as the instagram filters would suggest.
By posting such pictures constantly online, she was kind of hoping for some kind of fame. The sad reality that there won’t be hoards of fans waiting for her at the airport when she lands seems to be becoming more real. Even after checking in to the airport to say she is travelling home.
There are currently 648 emails in her work inbox which need to be replied to before Wednesday.
Fresh results were published this morning showing that Luxembourg’s citizens are actually the richest poor people in the world.
The study was researched heavily looking into different areas, such as housing, food, electric and water charges and the price of an Humpen.
Shocking results showed that despite seemingly good salaries, it still wasn’t enough to cover general living costs and to be able to uphold mild alcoholism.
Immobilieres who regularly take the absolute p*ss with housing and rental prices are apparently very much to blame.
“I go to work every morning, earn a good salary and what is it for?” said one local banker who asked to remain anonymous. “I can’t afford to get on the housing ladder, even together with my wife. It’s economic slavery.”
Benelux News will be following progress closely and will report as soon as we get another stupid report that house prices rose 19% in just 3 hours.
More to follow.
A man from Strassen was today reported to be suffering from extreme confusion after two successful sports matches in one week for Luxembourg nationals.
The man, believed to be suffering from a midlife crisis, can no longer decide what to invest hundreds of euros of sports equipment in.
“I saw that Andy Schleck won the Tour de France a few years ago and decided to take up cycling and wear stupid looking cycling shorts in order to impress my colleagues and hopefully one of the women who lives at the end of my street,” said the man.
“When Andy Schleck decided to stop cycling, I didn’t really know what to do any more and kind of just decided to hang my bicycle in my garage in such a position that my neighbours might be able to see it when I open the garage.”
With an international competition win from Niederkorn last week and Muller beating Nadal at Wimbledon this week, the man admits he is more than confused at how to look cool now.
“I just couldn’t make up my mind which new sport fashion to follow. So I have decided to always carry around an oversized sports bag that makes me look like a semi pro tennis player and keep it next to my desk in the office, while annoying my fellow colleagues who have to step over it every time they need to pass.”
“For trying to impress my neighbour, I have decided to buy a goal for the garden and show off by beating my son at football.”
It certainly seems to be a busy summer for this man.
Luxembourg’s famous Schueberfouer announced this morning that there will be a new bar set up within the event that will be open exclusively for married cousins.
The announcement came after market research revealed a big demand from people from the north of Luxembourg wanting a place to have fun with their relatives.
A variety of events will be announced including; Incest Speed Dating and Cousin Car Key Swapping.
Organisers hope this will attract a larger part of the northern population to visit the event.
More events to be announced soon.
Parents around the country are planning on taking their kids to bars this week in celebration of the hot weather.
The children will be forced to attend lunches and various activities in over 18s drinking establishments where adults will be trying to enjoy a cold beer in the sun.
“I just let my kids scream and run around”, said one father.
“If anyone complains, we will just give them a funny look like they shouldn’t be in a pub if they don’t like kids.”
Concerns are growing amongst the adult drinking community as strip clubs are increasingly becoming the only places to retreat for a quiet beer. But as the prices rise and the strippers get pregnant, it seems only a matter of time until strip clubs get converted in to creches.
Measures are being taken by a certain few, such as secretly giving the hyperactive kids Red Bull just 5 minutes before they leave the bar.
New luxuries are to be introduced later this year to make bus drivers feel more at home on the job.
Coffee machines will be on board every city centre bus from September.
Placed just above the dashboard, next to the ticket machine, they will be ideally placed between the old driver and the replacement driver and will be perfect for the long conversation that occurs during the changeover.
Bus companies are hoping this will add on extra time to their average journey times.
Concerns are rising about the health of over 70 train passengers currently stranded near Bettembourg for over 2 years.
The train has been in the same spot after severe problems at Bettembourg station and it appears the train has been forgotten about completely.
Friends and relatives have been giving food supplies through the windows of the train because the driver cannot open the doors because of insurance risks.
“It’s been almost 26 months now,” said one of the passengers. “They keep making announcements that we should be moving shortly, but nothing happens.”
As Benelux News was going to press, rumours were beginning to circulate that the driver is confident they will be home in time for Christmas.
More updates to come soon.
A city centre waitress was praised by colleagues today after trying exceptionally hard to finish her conversation before taking an order from a patiently waiting customer.
The customer had been waiting for some time to be able to buy a coffee and a croissant, but had to wait extra long while the waitress finished talking with her colleague.
“I simply pretend not to notice,” she said. “I don’t really care if the customer waits or not, I need to discuss pointless things with my work colleagues.”
As Benelux News was going to press, she was reported to be taking extra time finding change.
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