Outrage as woman who doesn’t want dessert eats half of man’s dessert

by Benelux News, posted in Daily Life

There were scenes of silent outrage last night after a couple enjoying dinner for two in a restaurant.

After a delicious main course, the waitress asked the couple if they would like dessert or coffee.

The woman immediately claimed she didn’t want anything more as she didn’t want to eat anything sweet or fattening.

The man, who had been looking forward to a nice slice of cheesecake after the meal immediately ordered.

When the cheesecake arrived, the woman asked for a second spoon which is when the trouble started.

“I couldn’t believe it.” said the man. “First she said she didn’t want any, now she wants some.”

The frustration grew as the woman took several spoons of the dessert which quickly became half of the cheesecake.

“I was tempted to order a second helping.”

The man is currently calculating the best way to get around this issue in future.

Local man quits smoking… His own cigarettes 

by Benelux News, posted in Daily Life

A man from Belair surprised friends over the weekend by asking several times for a cigarette, despite having quit smoking weeks before. 

The announcement came in the new year when the man announced to his friends and family that he had decided to quit smoking. 

After much support from friends and family, people were surprised to have the man repeatedly ask for cigarettes during a drinking session in a city centre bar.

“It was unbelievable,” said one witness. “We ended up giving him at least 7 cigarettes over the course of the evening. It got very annoying.” 

When interviewed by Benelux News reporters, the man was still convinced he had quit successfully.

“It doesn’t count if I don’t buy them any more.” He said.

Gaston Vogel breaks land speed record travelling to Schifflange bomb site

by Benelux News, posted in Daily Life

A new speed record was broken this morning after news of an unexploded bomb in the small town of Schifflange, Luxembourg. 

Public reports claim there was a loud “boom” sound, which did not come from the bomb, but from Mr Vogel racing to the scene.

The famous lawyer, who is known for the famous ongoing “Bommeleer” court case is thought to have raced to the scene to finally catch who is responsible. 

He was reluctant to speak with Benelux News reporters, but seemed more concerned about who put the bomb there instead of celebrating his new world record.

Restaurants already preparing crappy, overpriced Valentines menu

by Benelux News, posted in Europe

Restaurants across Europe are already hard at work preparing crappy, half-assed menus for an overly inflated price. 

“We are already excited to get rid of the rest of tomorrow’s plats du jour,” said one restaurant owner not far from the Place D’armes in Luxembourg. “We basically just give them bad service, serve them a tiny main plate and follow it up with a massive plate of lousy ice-cream.”

When Benelux News asked if customers ever complain, she replied; “Customers complain all the time, so we just accuse them of being rude to our staff. It works every time. I’m surprised we are still in business to be honest.”

Lawyer arrested while ongoing investigation into BIL car park robbery

by Benelux News, posted in Daily Life

Benelux News was first on the scene as the lawyer of the man attacked in the BIL car park was taken into Police custody.

1.3 million euros was taken from a man as he walked out of the bank 2 weeks ago, by 3 men with baseball bats.

The lawyer was said to be nervous and acting strangely, which made witnesses suspicious when being questioned after the incident.

We managed to get just one sentence from him before he was put in to the cells.

“There’s no honour among thieves… except for us of course.”

Motorway chaos as people walk from Luxembourg to Amsterdam to avoid KLM plane fares

by Benelux News, posted in Europe

Dozens of Police cars had to close off multiple sections of Belgian motorways this afternoon after hundreds of people wanting to go to Amsterdam were priced out of flying due to KLM’s sky high prices.

“We just wanted to go to Amsterdam for a couple of days,” said one man leading the first section of crowd. “The prices on KLM’s website were ridiculous, quoting €239 for a one way flight that takes just over an hour! We also looked at the possibility of a train, but that takes almost 8 hours. In the end we just thought f*ck it, let’s walk!”

Another traveller also commented, “we contacted KLM about the price, but they just fobbed us off saying that there are good prices if we search the website. But we found nothing under €239.”

Police are monitoring the situation to make sure all of the travellers successfully reach Amsterdam in the coming days, as support is growing fast for the group.

 

Local man googling about Superbowl in attempt to look knowledgable in the bar tonight

by Benelux News, posted in Daily Life

A local man has spent most of Sunday afternoon frantically googling about American Football in an attempt to gain popularity with his friends during the Superbowl.

Having had absolutely no knowledge about American Football before, he is determined to try to win over friends tonight, as some bars will  be opening extra late to show the game.

“I had no idea they use their hands with a football,” he said while taking a quick break from researching. “It just doesn’t make any sense at all. Why don’t they call it Hand Ball? I hope I can find enough knowledge on the internet or I won’t be able to appear to have a valid excuse to stay in the bar late tonight.”

As reporters left, he appeared to be practising his “yeah, I know all about that” facial expressions while pretending to become engrossed in what was on the TV screen.

We think he will do just fine.

 

Mass confusion as bankers jump around to Rage Against The Machine

by Benelux News, posted in Daily Life

There were scenes of irony and confusion in the city centre on Friday night as a group of bankers who had been drinking heavily after work jumped around while the DJ played Rage Against The Machine’s “Killing In The Name Of”.

“They had been drinking a lot all evening,” said one of the bar maids. “They had danced a little bit to some of the songs, but when Rage came on, they went crazy!”

Eye witnesses reported the use of throwing their middle fingers in the air as well as shouting along with the famous lyrics “F*ck you I won’t do what you tell me” extremely loudly as well as “huuuuuuuuuuh”

One witness reported the rebellious bankers then went home at closing time as soon as they were asked to leave and were heard to be talking about what time they had to be back in the office in the morning.

Crémant voted better than movies as Luxair wings it to second place

by Benelux News, posted in Europe

The public was woke up baffled this morning after the news broke that Luxair had made it to second place in the world in a supposed public vote on the Edreams website in world airline rankings. 

The vote was based on a number of factors including in-flight entertainment, beating airlines such as Singapore Airlines, Qatar and Etihad.

Benelux News reporters were firstto get in the airport terminal this morning to interview travellers.

“I am still trying to find the movies, music, PlayStation and free wifi options on my seat.” said one regular traveller. “It must be a first class section secret, as I every time I ask for it, they just give me Crémant.”

The website, Edreams, said that it’s survey was based on 90,000 customers every year for the past 5 years.

It has also had legal action put against it for fraud almost every year for the past 6 years.

Scientists are also rumoured to be heading to the airport to try to find the in-flight entertainment on-board the aircraft.

Politicians call for Bettel to resign after croissants hit €1.30

by Benelux News, posted in Daily Life

Xavier Bettel’s ratings in local polls hit an all time low this morning after prices of croissants hit an all time high.

Some local bakeries are now selling croissants as high as €1.30, which has caused a public outcry.

Politicians have called for Mr Bettel to resign after the public voiced their opinion.

“It’s out of control now,” said one lady interviewed this morning outside her local bakery on the way to work. “On Friday I have buy croissants for the entire office. I just don’t know how I’m going to be able to afford it on my salary.”

Ministers will be meeting this week to discuss the future of the Prime Minister.