Tag: luxembourg

Roads closed after thousands of Bonnevoie Residents attempt to enter City Centre illegally

by Benelux News, posted in Daily Life

The Avenue de la Gare remains closed this evening due to a large group of more than 3,000 Bonnevoie residents trying to enter the City Centre illegally earlier today.

Although the problem has been managed for the last few months with upgraded security measures, local Police have been under increased pressure lately after rumours spread that the Alima near the Adem is “a bit nicer”.

A number of anonymous would-be county migrants have informally told Benelux News that the new Louboutin shop in the centre could drive numbers dangerously high, as many women will attempt to cross the bridge over the Petrusse.

However, residents of the city centre have been quick to condemn the heavy-handed tactics of the Police who are keeping them from entering the city, and a humanitarian campaign has already gathered thousands of Cactus cards to ensure that those who do make it across can access a single complimentary Tea or Coffee per day – although a small snack purchase will be necessary if they choose to sit down with their drink in a café.

Current journey times between Bonnevoie and Limpertsberg are taking up to 12 hours, so only travel if absolutely necessary.

Chambre des députés to discuss banning French people from restaurants 

by Benelux News, posted in Daily Life

Local politicians will meet today to discuss the potential banning of French people from Luxembourg’s restaurants. 

It comes after a petition signed by over 10,000 restaurant workers was brought to parliament for debate.

The primary reason for the petition was all about the lack of tips given by French customers. 

Benelux News visited one of the restaurants that signed the petition. 

“The French people simply don’t tip.” said one waitress. “They only come to Luxembourg for the money and the benefits, but never leave a tip. Because of this, we don’t want them here any more.”

Benelux News will keep you updated with more details as they come in.

New bar owner convinced that the general public are rich

by Benelux News, posted in Daily Life

A new bar opened in the city centre last week which is hoping to cause quite a stir.

The bar owner has so far spent the last 6 days convincing himself that the crowds of people are on their way from their homes to spend money on over priced drinks.

“I made my prices ridiculously high so that people would think it’s cool to be here,” the bar owner said. “Despite the fact that we are serving the same drinks as anywhere else, by charging stupidly high prices, people will hopefully think we are somewhere cool and different.” 

At €15 a Mojito and €4 a small beer, it could just be the wankiest place in town.

New Creche for bad parents will accept your new baby just 30 minutes after birth

by Benelux News, posted in Daily Life

Plans were given the go ahead this morning to create a new Creche that will adapt to the needs of crap parents in and around Luxembourg city.

The new site will be built in Kirchberg and will be able to accommodate up to 350 babies and young children and will be offering to pick up your new born child from the maternity ward just 30 MINUTES after child birth.

“We got the idea after we had many requests to start looking after babies at just 2 months old,” said one of the entrepreneurs, “we thought if there is a market for avoiding parenting after only 2 months, then why don’t we just go the whole way and pick up the child from the maternity ward?! They won’t be able to tell they have real parents anyway!”

There are other exciting ideas for the future from currently pregnant subscribers. “I think it’s a really great idea,” said one particular terrible mother, “I can get back to the office less than an hour after birth and get back to finishing those all important reports and hopefully get some overtime in too!”

Plans are currently being developed to have a joined on dormitory to accommodate children that parents want absolutely nothing to do with in order to avoid parenting completely; “We are really excited to have this extra feature, which will not only increase our value as a company, but also to solve the problem for parents who just collect their child at the end of the day and put them straight to bed without really giving a damn.”

The new Creche is planned to be built this coming summer in Kirchberg, close to some big banks.

Tax office workers receive calculators as Christmas bonus.

by Benelux News, posted in Daily Life

Tax office workers were today awarded calculators to help “get things right” at work.

After only being able to calculate up until 2013 using bean counters and their fingers, the new bonus promises to help them get up to speed abd hopefully be able to get the right calculations, instead of just sending out random predictions and “guesses” to how much tax people owe.

Management welcomed the move and had decided that this was a good investment that not only saved money on paying the 13th month bonus, it would also save time and money in the long run.

“With the money we save, hopefully we can shave off some of the old wood who were just employed because they are local,” said a spokesman.

The future may be looking up for Luxembourg taxes.

“Alarm” revealed as secret code word for Crémant

by Benelux News, posted in Uncategorized

Thousands of commuters were left stunned this afternoon as a secret code was leaked to the public in the form of train code words.

It is an increasingly regular occurrence for Luxembourg trains to stop on the tracks with claims of an alarm being started either on the train or on another train somewhere down the line.

Now Benelux News can reveal that “Alarm” is coded language for Crémant and is used when the train drivers feel like having a drink.

“Alcohol use is very common among our public service workers,” claimed a spokesman. “We just love to annoy our passengers and celebrate doing so by having a drink behind the locked train door.”

“We prefer to stop in the middle of a track between stations,” said one of the drivers, who did not want to be named. “This way the passengers have no option of disembarking and finding alternative transport.”  

CFL refused to comment. 

Pushchair and Pram Licenses to be introduced in the new year

by Benelux News, posted in Daily Life

Luxembourg government announced this week that on the 1st January,  a new license system for pushchairs and prams will be introduced. 

All parents must pass a strict exam which will test their ability to not disturb the general public in busy shopping streets, shops, restaurants and even museums. 

A strict ban on allowing pushchairs in to bars will also take effect, with heavy fines being given to offenders, such as buying the whole bar a drink.

Foldable pushchairs will also be obligated to be folded up on the bus, unless the child is inside the pushchair covered by a fully soundproofed layer.

“Open minded” woman only wants to hear songs she knows at Christmas party. 

by Benelux News, posted in Daily Life

Local DJs are bracing themselves for the Christmas party period as crap song requests will be rife across the party season. 

All kinds of junk from Wham to Rihanna, to Celine Dion are expected to be asked for, and if the DJs don’t play them, their drunk boyfriend will come and shout at them.

“We see this kind of thing every year,” said one local DJ. “These people never go out, but when the free Christmas drinks paid for by the company start flowing, it becomes a danger zone.”

Benelux News recommends keeping an eye on your colleagues and make sure they don’t harrass the DJ who is only trying to do their job.

“You can always see the ones who are no good at going out.” said another DJ we spoke to. “They have no idea of sense of space and no rhythm when they dance. we are always cautious of them. you know they are the ones who request the most crap.”

Luxembourg border controls for personal hygiene for Belgian drivers

by Benelux News, posted in Europe

Luxembourg’s border poluce uave stepped up controls on personal hygiene after yesterday’s stench spread across the country. 

After the bad smell was officially blamed on a paper factory near the Belgian border spread across the country, Luxembourg authorities are taking no risks and have warned motorists to shower and wear deodorant before making any attempt to cross the border into Luxembourg. 

Strict controls are expected to last across the festive season, as many border workers will be attending Christmas parties while still dressed in their work clothes.