People who push in through back doors of buses “eager to get started” on new challenge

A spokesperson for the association of people who push in through the back doors of buses before other passengers can get off stated this morning that it’s members are getting very excited about the new tram coming and are “eager to get started”.

“Our members have been practising for months now and are highly confident we can cause just as much of a nuisance pushing our way on to the tram as we can with buses.”

In anticipation of the tram project, members of the association have been practising extra hard and even taking on challenges such as the side entrance doors to Utopolis and entrance to the Gare during rush hour.

“The trick will be pushing on but not breaking the tram doors”, said the spokesperson. “But we are confident we can pull this off.”

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Luxembourg Police reveal 2017 Halloween party costumes 

Luxembourg Police announced earlier this morning their new design for their annual Halloween party. 

The chief of Police was said to be extremely happy with the new design and said that they may even decide to wear the costumes permanently in the future because he described them as “really comfy”. 

The design, based on a Peugeot lion that had gone crazy and prowled the streets of Luxembourg looking for callef (baby cow) victims, had apparently caused a big laugh in the offices and the Police cells alike, is sure to be a big success. 

Expect to see a fresh fashion parade walking the streets near you soon!

Luxembourg Police storm voting centres to block Hollerich vote for independence

Luxembourg police in riot gear smashed in the doors of polling stations and dragged protesters away by the hair, beating some with batons and firing rubber bullets at others on Sunday as they tried to shut down an illegal referendum on independence in Hollerich.

Despite the police brutality against largely peaceful demonstrations, voting began in many locations across Hollerich and the gare area at 9 a.m. The Hollerich government said 73 percent of polling stations were open.

It’s unclear when or, indeed, if a result will be announced and no exit polls are planned, though those who do vote are likely to be overwhelmingly from the pro-independence camp. A non-binding vote in 2014, also held in defiance of the Luxembourgish courts, saw 80 percent back a split from Luxembourg on turnout of about 30 percent. In the most recent Hollerich government poll in July, 35 percent of respondents said the region should become independent.

More news as it comes in.

Brexit supporters IQ reaches a new low

Shock rippled through Europe today after two of Britain’s biggest Brexit supporters travelled freely through the eurozone to take a stupid photo.

Using their open border passports for travel, they decided to take a photo disapproving the very agreement that allowed them to travel to do so.

Echoes of laughter could be heard throughout the surrounding countryside as the pair of muppets put their thumbs down next to the sign of Schengen.

Interpol have been informed and are currently seeking to close the border between France and UK before the pair reach Calais.

Should anyone encounter this pair on the way home, the EU has granted free permission to punch them in the face.

Supermarket security guard thinks EVERYONE is a shoplifter

An exclusive interview with a Luxembourg security guard revealed that all supermarket security are under strict orders to suspect EVERYONE of shoplifting, regardless of age, gender or colour.

“We believe that everyone is a potential thief here,” said the guard who comes from Thionville. “Even the old ladies with a member card from the shop since 10 years or more are a potential threat and may try to steal some eggs. We can’t take any chances.”

Benelux News caught up with one customer, Josephine, who explained her frustration with being hassled every time she tries to enter the supermarket. 

“It really is stupid,” she said. “I am treated like a criminal every time I come to buy my groceries. One day I’m going to take my mobility scooter and ram-raid this f*cking place!”

Cora, Auchan and Cactus refused to comment. 

Woman going on holiday thinks 20kg baggage allowance is a target 

A woman from Bertrange was shocked this week to discover that the 20kg baggage allowance for her flight was in fact a limit and not a target. 

Despite not needing half the clothes she packed for her holiday, she became agitated when her husband pointed out that she would probably do some shopping on holiday and would need more space available in her suitcase in order to bring the shopping back home.

After some despair and stress, she then suggested that she put some of her clothes in to her husbands suitcase in order to take everything that she thought she might need.

After the husbands initial refusal, an argument then occurred which resulted in him just giving up packing all together and had to just shut up while she finished packing. 

“I just don’t understand,” she said. “I always make the baggage allowance a target as I thought the airlines wanted me to pack that much, so that the bag doesn’t collapse under all the other bags in the hold. It’s so confusing.” 

The man was unavailable for comment.

Luxembourg football fans 100% convinced Luxembourg will win 2018 World Cup

A group of Luxembourg football fans are 100% convinced that Luxembourg will lift the trophy at the 2018 World Cup after winning the qualification match against France on the weekend. 

The away 0-0 draw has caused fever pitch among fans with excitement growing by the second.

“Majo ha… 2018 is the year for Letzebuerg,” said Jean Claude after the game while drinking a diekirch. “Letzebuerg is the best team in the world now.”