Category: Europe

New UK Passports to be made from hemp

by Benelux News, posted in Europe

News broke this morning that the new blue UK Passports will be made from hemp after Franco-Dutch company Gemalto revealed they will be taking care of production.

Brexiteers reacted furiously after news broke that the passports wouldn’t be being produced in some local shit hole factory in a strange northern town, populated by inbreds left behind after all the Polish people left.

It was revealed that the use of hemp was initiated after deciding to remind UK citizens of what they gave up with regards to having easy access to Holland and also to set off the border patrol drug searcher dogs at the airport, just to “rub it in.”

There are also plans to include Deli-France vouchers towards the back of the passport book that would give up to 20% discounts to coupon holders, but would make little difference as the prices would be increasing anyway.

Further reactions are unpredictable, as it was also revealed that production would take place in France.

French companies are currently recruiting as many French beret wearing, onion peelers as possible to work in production factories.

Lux family buys Island in Mediterranean because it’s cheaper than apartment in town

by Benelux News, posted in Europe

A Luxembourgish family are reported to have purchased an island in the Mediterranean for 18 million euros.

The Island, close to Ibiza and Formentera, was sold to the anonymous family just last week.

Benelux News sent their reporters down to investigate and try to get an interview with the island’s new owner who wished to remain anonymous for the time being.

“It was all a bit unexpected really,” said the husband.

“We were looking at apartments in Luxembourg City, but they were all too expensive. In the end, we thought ‘sod it’ and just bought an island. It still leaves us with enough to buy some furniture from IKEA, but we need to go onto the main island of Ibiza for that.”

Nobody really sure why train stations exist between Arlon and Namur

by Benelux News, posted in Europe

A recent survey revealed that regular train passengers who travel from Luxembourg to Brussels have absolutely no idea why train stations even exist between Arlon and Namur.

The frustratingly slow train which travels between 2 major European cities has come under fire for being totally boring and even going as far as ridiculing the silly hats worn by train ticket collectors. 

But the big mystery seems to be why Belgian authorities have decided to build train stations in the middle of nowhere. 

Jean-Pierre is a regular commuter on Belgian trains; “I just don’t get it. Nobody ever gets on and nobody ever gets off. It’s like Willy Wonkas chocolate factory.”

His statement was backed up by a fellow passenger. “I saw a scout group get on once at Gembloux. It was very strange. I guess they had been camping somewhere in the great outdoors.”

Ski Twat Season only a matter of weeks away

by Benelux News, posted in Europe

Ski Twats across the country and indeed across Europe are already deciding on which ridiculously expensive, twatty sunglasses to wear on the ski slopes in the coming season.

Local sports shop owner, Jean-Claude, gave Benelux News an interview to tell us all about what’s been popular in the shop recently.

“The new ski outfits are flying out the door. I can’t keep up with the demand,” he said. “We are just selling the most ridiculous looking ski outfits to anyone. As soon as they look at it a bit strangely, I just tell them that it has a new ultra warming system inside and everyone will be wearing it on the slopes this year. Then they buy it straight away.”

“The same goes for the skis. If there is even a spec of dust on their skis from last year, I just tell them they might not be safe for the slopes. Works every time!”

One local man from Belair claimed he doesn’t mind pointlessly spending all that money, as long as he can brag and show off at the Apres Ski Party in the evenings.

“All I want to do, after a hard day of spraying people with snow when I pull up, is go to the party and be as loud and annoying as possible. It really is a fantastic holiday pastime.”

Expect monumental amounts of twats heading to a mountain near you soon!

Brexit supporters IQ reaches a new low

by Benelux News, posted in Europe

Shock rippled through Europe today after two of Britain’s biggest Brexit supporters travelled freely through the eurozone to take a stupid photo.

Using their open border passports for travel, they decided to take a photo disapproving the very agreement that allowed them to travel to do so.

Echoes of laughter could be heard throughout the surrounding countryside as the pair of muppets put their thumbs down next to the sign of Schengen.

Interpol have been informed and are currently seeking to close the border between France and UK before the pair reach Calais.

Should anyone encounter this pair on the way home, the EU has granted free permission to punch them in the face.

Woman going on holiday thinks 20kg baggage allowance is a target 

by Benelux News, posted in Europe

A woman from Bertrange was shocked this week to discover that the 20kg baggage allowance for her flight was in fact a limit and not a target. 

Despite not needing half the clothes she packed for her holiday, she became agitated when her husband pointed out that she would probably do some shopping on holiday and would need more space available in her suitcase in order to bring the shopping back home.

After some despair and stress, she then suggested that she put some of her clothes in to her husbands suitcase in order to take everything that she thought she might need.

After the husbands initial refusal, an argument then occurred which resulted in him just giving up packing all together and had to just shut up while she finished packing. 

“I just don’t understand,” she said. “I always make the baggage allowance a target as I thought the airlines wanted me to pack that much, so that the bag doesn’t collapse under all the other bags in the hold. It’s so confusing.” 

The man was unavailable for comment.

Luxembourg football fans 100% convinced Luxembourg will win 2018 World Cup

by Benelux News, posted in Europe

A group of Luxembourg football fans are 100% convinced that Luxembourg will lift the trophy at the 2018 World Cup after winning the qualification match against France on the weekend. 

The away 0-0 draw has caused fever pitch among fans with excitement growing by the second.

“Majo ha… 2018 is the year for Letzebuerg,” said Jean Claude after the game while drinking a diekirch. “Letzebuerg is the best team in the world now.”

Local woman convinced she is actually saving money during shop sales

by Benelux News, posted in Europe

Benelux News caught up with a local woman this week who is absolutely convinced she is saving money by buying more things in shops displaying the “soldes” or sales sign in the window. 

The signs work as a kind of magnet for women while walking within 3 square kilometres of a shop, according to sources. Which has tricked many women on a global scale into actually believing they are saving money by spending less than they would have done normally. 

“Look, I saved 60% on these new shoes.” said the lady when approached by our reporters. “I saved 40% on this bag and 20% on this top.”

Benelux News reporters then pulled out a calculator to show that she hadn’t actually saved anything at all, which seemed to fall on deaf ears.

There seemed to be no perception of reality at all as she drifted off in the direction of another soldes sign.

French public ready to strike and have a riot, regardless of election result

by Benelux News, posted in Europe

A survey performed this week about the French public’s opinion about the final results of the national election have proved to be reasonably neutral.

In the run down to the final voting session between Le Pen and Macron, it would seem that either way this turns, the French are ready to call in a national strike and plan to destroy their neighbourhoods once again.

“We do not like any politicians”, commented one man in the street. “They can all go to hell”.

Benelux News is currently setting up various spots around France and will bring you the news on the situation as it breaks.

Hollerich reveals new Holler Dollar after officially applying for independence

by Benelux News, posted in Daily Life, Europe

The new currency set to launch soon after Hollerich receives it’s independence has been released.

Each Holler Dollar will hold exactly the same value as a Euro and will be exchangeable in any business in Hollerich.

Although primarily created for Beer tokens, it will be valuable for many other transactions including kebabs and lap dances.

Hollerich leaders announced today that the Hollerich area will be applying for independence after casino licenses cannot be obtained in the area.

The support for “Freedom For Hollerich” is growing rapidly.

More to come soon on this story from Benelux News.