Author: Benelux News

Entire country sh!ts themselves at the same time

by Benelux News, posted in Daily Life

Alarm bells literally started ringing this more when the Luxembourg alert System was tested.

At about 1030am this morning, mobile phones across the country started making extreme screaming sounds with flashy lights for no obvious reason, causing the recipients to shit themselves simultaneously.

Reports of phones being unable to turn off the alarm and others being totally freaked out and dropping one in their pants has led to a frantic supermarket dash for extra toilet paper, similar to pandemic times.

Cutbacks: ING Marathon to become 100m Sprint.

by Benelux News, posted in Daily Life

ING Luxembourg announced new cutback measures today, following the closure of over 30,000 accounts containing less than €100,000 and closure of 3 branches within Luxembourg City.

A spokesman has now announced that ING will be cutting the annual marathon distance from 42 kilometers down to 100 metres in order to save on expenditures and also not allowing people with less than a certain amount of money to enjoy themselves.

The 100 metre race area will be exclusive to people whose parents got rich some years ago by selling a field to developers and kept the money in their family by marrying their cousins.

The event is expected to take place next May.

All cross French Border workers to be fumigated

by Benelux News, posted in Daily Life, Europe

Luxembourg ministers announced that all cross border workers coming from France are to be fumigated upon entry to Luxembourg.

Upon receiving news that the bedbug crisis in France is spreading, Luxembourg authorities announced that all cross border workers from France will face a screening test and necessary spra fumigation.

Local residents supported the move by voicing their concerns over French attitudes with their behaviour in Luxembourg as well as failing to tip in bars and restaurants.

The bedbug scandal is just the latest in a string of events which has dempaned Luxembourgish attitudes towards the French and in some extreme cases, has lead to a view of a complete ban on French people altogether.

Luxair Celebrates 1 Million Unanswered Emails

by Benelux News, posted in Daily Life, Europe

Luxair staff celebrated yesterday evening and the system passed 1 Million unanswered emails.

Staff were overjoyed at the lack of people they had to reply to, by simply ignoring them.

“It’s so great,” said one employee in the customer service department. “Even if it’s really urgent, we just don’t bother answering at all. We assume the customers will then try to take the phone route, but then we don’t even answer those either. And if we finally do, we make it sound confusing like they somehow got through to a back office by mistake. It’s so much fun.”

The celebrations were also being felt in the internal departments.

“We know that there are people trying to get answers who are actually part of our company and network. We know they are trying to help us and need answers from us urgently, but we just ignore them too!”

Luxair is hoping to break the record next year and is currently on course to hit 5 million unanswered emails and double the ignored phonecalls.

Benelux News emailed the press office for an official statement, but we are yet to receive a reply.

Ibiza clubs to close as Lydie Polfer plans holiday

by Benelux News, posted in Uncategorized

News spread across Europe from the White Isle this afternoon that Ibiza clubs may be forced to close for the duration of time that Lydie Polfer, Luxembourg’s City Mayor, could visit for a holiday.

Lydie ‘Party Pooper’ Polfer is rumoured to be travelling to the White Isle this summer and is likely to disagree with many young people having fun while on the island.

After giving out many restrictions to the nightlife industry in recent months, the plan is to expand across Europe.

The nightlife industry, which is struggling to get back on its feet after the pandemic, is naturally not happy and urges to remind ‘Party Pooper Polfer’ that the people who attend nightlife events are voters too.

Early closing times for various events have left many people stranded without transport options to get home and created a sense of frustration. With calls for the Party Pooper to resign.

Luxembourg’s top scientists gather to protest measures

by Benelux News, posted in Daily Life

Luxembourg region’s top scientists have been gathering over the last months to protest measures brought in by the Luxembourg government to stop the spread of the Covid 19 virus.

Hundreds of protesters gathered to argue against the measures, claiming they went against all the education they had researched on Facebook and YouTube.

Local police however decided to take out the hardcore of the protesters by arresting a drummer and a few randoms who had been drinking most of the day.

More protests are planned.

Lux Tram to be extended to Dubai

by Benelux News, posted in Daily Life, Europe

Luxembourg transport minister, François Bauch, announced today that plans to extend the Luxembourg Tram network as far as Dubai have been approved.

Work on the extended tram lines is expected to start next year and will continue as far as 2031.

Funding for the tram extension was approved by the government and received extra praise from Prime Minister Xavier Bettel, who regularly enjoys visits to the UAE, with or without travel restrictions.

Based on travel times around Luxembourg City, the total distance travel time is hoped to be less than 3 years between Kirchberg and Central Dubai.

Authorities discover secret cafes under schools

by Benelux News, posted in Daily Life

A big surprise this week as authorities discovered several secretly hidden bars, cafes, restaurants and discos this week underneath a number of primary schools across the country.

As covid cases raised steadily among pupils, leading the government to make decisions to close schools, it seems that the new spread of the virus seems to have come from the underground caves hosting the illegal restaurants.

Students as young as 4 have been rumoured to regularly drink in these establishments, prompting an enquiry by the Police.

“It is now clear where this is coming from,” said an education spokesperson. “By shutting down the schools, we can therefore stop the students going into the secret restaurants and stop the spread once and for all.”

French Hunting Season opens in Luxembourg

by Benelux News, posted in Daily Life, Europe

French Hunting Season has officially opened in Luxembourg, allowing local residents to legally be able to go hunting for frontaliers crossing the border for non essential reasons.

Officials are hoping to slow down the spread of Covid 19 by allowing such measures and hopefully allowing some entertainment during these difficult times.

The decision to open the season came after record numbers of French and Belgian “Covid Tourists” flooded over the borders for non essential shopping. Restaurants reported being completely full, however they received record lows in terms of tips.

Luxembourgish and French police launched border operations that included helicopters, in order to catch perpetrators crossing the borders on small roads.

After witnessing some scenes, officials have now announced the start of French Hunting Season and hope that this will serve as a deterrent.

Anyone who happens to have a successful hunt, is encouraged to stuff and preserve the catch and hang it on a wall, maybe as a decoration that the family can enjoy at Christmas.