Residents celebrate opening of new roadworks

Residents around the Place de Paris recently opened a special Christmas Market to celebrate the arrival of new road works along the Avenue de Liberty this week.

The local residents committee approved the event weeks ago with all residents in full support of the project.

“We are so happy to have the roadworks here,” said one neighbour. “With all the traffic jams and noise it will feel like a real city.”

The market will be there until a couple of days before Christmas.

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Emile Weber and VDL bus drivers to meet for bareknuckle death fight

Representatives of Ville de Luxembourg and Emile Weber have confirmed that a number of bus drivers will meet soon for a bareknuckle death fight.

Tensions have been steadily rising since the construction of the tram in Kirchberg with VDL drivers claiming that Emile Weber drivers “just dump” their passengers in the middle of nowhere and leaving them to join their cool, city people on their buses.

Claims that the people coming in from the villages smell of manure have so far not been proved, however there are several witnesses who claim just that.

VDL’s current president said in a statement: “We are not messing around any more. We are sick of picking up these stranded people, who could easily be driven in to town.”

A spokesman for Emile Weber responded with: “Bring it on, bitches! We have got nothing to worry about, their top driver couldn’t fight his way out of a paper bag!”

The exact date is yet to be arranged, but it is rumoured that the location will be somewhere near the gare.

More info as we receive it.

New season of Narcos starts filming in Esch

Eager fans of the famous Netflix series “Narcos” will be pleased to know that the new season is currently being filmed in Esch sur Alzette.

Local residents reported that the scenes being filmed were very realistic and almost gave the impression of being a city of crime, just like a real city.

After filming in various locations around the country, the new season is expected to be out after some ridiculously long period of time, like 2020 or something.

“Close the f*cking door!” season officially starts.

After the Schueberfouer has ended, the official season of “close the f*cking door” officially starts.

Bar, restaurant and cafe customers are being warned about on the spot fines for people who leave the door open after entering or exiting a premises.

Fines can be up to €250 for anyone who leaves the door open or holds the door open for their friend who is still chatting for more than 30 seconds.

The public are advised to remain vigilant and to report any unnecessary door opening behaviour.

Ryanair Customer Service department finally located in Sahara Desert

Images made their way back to Europe today of Ryanair’s Customer Service department after several passengers went on a trip to try to get their money back from the cancellations in 2017.

After cancelling nearly half a million passengers’ journeys in 2017 and still not refunding the money, the disgruntled customers set out to try to get some answers.

Despite finding the office in the Sahara Desert, there was a sign on the wall saying that the department was on strike with no date given as to the return.

Boring people launch petition to ban EVERYTHING

The national society for people who never get invited to parties launched an online petition this morning in a bid to ban absolutely any form of leisure or fun.

4,500 signatures are required in order for the proposed law to be discussed in Parliament and has already gained over 100 signatures.

The ban will include just about every fun activity, but if the activity cannot be banned then measures will be taken to make sure the activity is made as tedious as possible.

Not happy with banning smoking indoors, the ban proposes banning smoking on terraces and in the open air.

Bars and cafes are to have lines drawn around the premises, clearly showing where you are allowed to stand and where to breathe.

The lines will also extend on to the street to help Darwin award contestants figure out how to walk down the street.

Signs and announcements explaining how to use stairs and escalators will also be displayed, just for those people who haven’t figured out how to walk up down stairs after all these years.

“Fun” will be restricted to certain hours not going past 7pm which will restrict concerts to certain times and the music must not be loud at all. Audiences will also have to stand in exact marked spots or face being ejected from venues with the excuse of “insurance reasons” given in as vague a way as possible.

Bars and clubs will be closed by 7pm in case someone who lives 2kms away thinks they hear a cockroach fart and blames the bar owners.

Benelux News caught up with one voter who moved to Luxembourg from London 3 years ago.

“I just wanted to whine about everything I could” she said. “I never get invited to parties so why not moan and complain about everything. I moved here for the relaxing way of life and open mindedness, but I voted because I want to mess it up for no logical reason whatsoever.”

We waved good bye as she drove away in her highly polluting car while giving an angry look to a man smoking a cigarette on the neighbouring terrace.

More updates on the petition results as they come in.

Hotels compete for Worlds smallest glass of orange juice

This summer, Europe saw its hotels compete for the world title of “Smallest Glass of Orange Juice at Breakfast.”

Competition was fierce with some hotels offering only small shot glasses in attempts to save money and gain the title.

Many hotel visitors reported multiple trips to the juice machine and long queues each time as demand soared to quench their thirst before the day started.

Results are yet to be published for the winners.