Tag: luxembourg

Sex pest bus driver goes on rampage through Luxembourg city

by Benelux News, posted in Daily Life

A lonely bus driver went on the rampage through Luxembourg city yesterday afternoon with a sign on the bus directing people to jump on the bus and kiss him.

The rampage started at the Hamilius bus stop and continued til the outskirts of the city.

Pedestrians were shocked as the bus passed them on the street and visually invited them on board to kiss the driver.

“E kuss fir den chauffeur” was displayed at the front and side of the bus, which sparked a public stampede towards their homes.

“We just ran for the nearest safe place,” explained one woman. “I ran into the nearest shop and they closed the doors. It was very scary.”

The bus driver has not yet been identified and Police are launching a manhunt.

More info as it appears. 

Workaholic can’t understand why colleagues are happy it’s Friday

by Benelux News, posted in Daily Life

A city centre office workaholic with no friends simply can’t understand why his colleagues are happy it’s Friday, it was revealed today.

The statement came as fellow colleagues were discussing weekend plans in the office during a coffee break.

“They were discussing what they are planning to do this weekend and someone suggested leaving a bit early,” the man said.

“It is beyond me how some people actually try to live their lives at the weekend. So immediately, I went through some old emails in desperate search of some work that could be done and keep them in the office longer, so it would distract me from my lonely, friendless weekend.”

At the time of publication, reports from colleagues suggested that some extra work had appeared out of nowhere and likely to keep them until at least 5 minutes after they are normally scheduled to leave the office.

Immobilier values kettle at €12,500 

by Benelux News, posted in Daily Life

One of Luxembourg’s top immobilier companies has decided on the value of a kettle at €12,500 yesterday, after the home owners decided to leave a few items behind.

The apartment is due to go on the market next week and hoping to fetch a huge price.

“The owners decided to leave a few things behind and so we valued them in addition to the property price to create more commission for us,” the immobilier explained. 

“By charging ridiculous sums of money for small things, we can hopefully add around €100,000 to the total property value.” 

Items included a kettle, some old knives and forks, a toothbrush holder and some old cushions. 

The property is expected to be on the market next week at some unrealistic price.

“We’re very excited about this,” said the salesman.

Boring work colleague did nothing exciting over the weekend 

by Benelux News, posted in Daily Life

A local man with no actual friends responded when asked about his weekend as doing “nothing much” for the 183rd consecutive Monday in a row this morning. 

The man who works in a large city office highlighted watering his plants and watching a bit of TV as his highlights while sipping his hot morning coffee. 

Notorious for having no friends, he said that he loves weekdays and is secretly dreading the coming weekend.

“I just don’t understand people who actually go out and live their lives properly on the weekend,” he said. “I hate even popping out the office for lunch.”

When asked about his coming weekend plans, he had no further comments. 

Man waiting for Controle Technique for 6 years

by Benelux News, posted in Daily Life

A local man from Howald has been found in a long line of cars after his wife reported him missing 6 years ago.

The man had been waiting for his car to be looked at by the Controle Technique in Sandweiler for the past 6 years, but the battery of his phone had cut out, so he couldn’t make any calls.

“It sounds crazy that I didn’t try to find another contact alternative,” the man said,”I just didn’t want to lose my place in the queue.”

“I survived by asking passers by for food and leftovers.”

He is currently hoping to have his vehicle inspected in the coming weeks and is looking forward to seeing his family again.

Chantier workers to dig same hole for the 17th time to find lost lighter

by Benelux News, posted in Uncategorized

Construction workers have been instructed to dig up the same hole they have been working on for the past year to try to find a cigarette lighter believed to have been lost by one of the workers.

The lighter has been missing since Tuesday evening when the worker arrived home after work and realised it was gone.

“It couldn’t have been stolen by one of the guys,” Carlos explained. “It must have fallen into the hole when I was climbing up.”

The work is expected to take at least 1 month to complete. 

Benelux News will keep you updated on the situation as it unfolds. 

Child Protection Services called after parents refuse to buy designer bag

by Benelux News, posted in Daily Life

Luxembourg’s child protection services were called today after an incident on the Grand Rue in the centre of the city.

Police and child care workers were called to the Louis Vuitton shop around lunchtime to assist a teenager in distress. With the beginning of the new school year starting on Monday, the 14 year old girl wanted a brand new bag, priced at 1,400 euros to go to school with.

Realising that the bag would just be thrown around and dumped on the floor regularly, her parents refused to buy the bag and so authorities were called.

“We already got her the new iPhone 7 this week and now she wants a ridiculously over-priced bag,” said the girl’s Father as he was taken away by Police.

The girl was led away by carers to go to a care home while the parents will remain in custody for questioning.

The shop owner was unavailable for comment.

Pushing in through back doors of bus to become Olympic sport

by Benelux News, posted in Daily Life

The Office of public transport announced today that Luxembourg will be competing in the next Olympics.

Hosted in 2020, Luxembourg will fly several planes to the Olympics to compete for the gold medal for pushing in through the back doors of buses before other people can get off.

“There is strong support for this new event,” said a spokesman, “people all over the country have been practicing for a long time and we anticipate great results.”

“We are starting to see this craze spread on to trains and we will be looking into forming seperate teams for buses, trains and soon trams. It’s a very exciting time to travel.”

The government is urging locals to get as much practice as possible for a chance to compete, though we think there are many people here worthy of the gold medal.

Immobilier to open office in camping site

by Benelux News, posted in Uncategorized

One of Luxembourg’s top immobilier companies is to open a new office in a campsite in the north of Luxembourg. 

After years of exploiting housing prices and pushing the prices up to record levels, new sights are being set to campsites.

“We’ve been milking the market for years,” said a spokeman. “We were running out of options for houses, so campsites seemed like the most obvious answer.”

“It’s a new emerging market, so there is plenty of room to jack up the prices,” he continued. “We are lookin at starting prices around 5,000 per metre squared, so getting 250k for some shit-heap caravan should be absolutely no problem.” 

Luxembourg airport sets sights on being the biggest rip off in Europe

by Benelux News, posted in Uncategorized

The new Luxembourg airport has set its sales targets to being the biggest rip off in Europe, it was announced today.

“After an unnecessary renovation, we have jacked up our prices to truly give the customer a feeling of having no choice but to spend all their money,” a spokesperson said.

“We figured that if travellers had all their holiday money with them in their pockets, they should blow it all at the airport and be left feeling poor for their entire holiday.”

“To achieve this target was simple, we simply decided to charge 6.50 for a crappy sandwich, 4.90 for a small beer and 4.50 for a 20cl Pepsi… To top it all off, we just assumed that people are too stupid to realise what ‘duty-free’ really means and just jack up the price anyway.”

With Oberweis following suit very fast by charging 13 euros for 8 macarons, it seems the high price competition is on!