Tag: luxembourg

Owning a bar while being a dickhead to be made illegal by 2020

by Benelux News, posted in Daily Life

A new law was voted 98/2 today at the Chambre des Deputies making it official that any new bars opening in Luxembourg cannot be owned by a dickhead, it was announced today.

Strict laws will be brought in to force, making it compulsory for all new applications to be filed by “only cool people.” 

The surprising vote came after a recent survey found that a growing number of bars are run by dickheads. 

“Although most bar owners are pretty cool,” said a spokesman. “We want to filter out the number of self-centered dickheads that don’t have so many people visiting and increase the nicer people running bars and don’t have a problem with that fact that there are other businesses trying just as hard as them to have a nice life here.”

Mafia “in awe” of Luxembourg Taxi companies

by Benelux News, posted in Daily Life

Mafia groups from across the world have admitted that they are “in awe” of Luxembourg taxi companies.

The high fares for small distances have proved to be a fantastic extortion technique and various mafias are said to be looking in to following suit.

“It’s absolutely amazing” said one mafia member, refusing to give his name. “You pay for a normal taxi an absolute fortune, so if you decide to phone another taxi company to get a smaller price, it’s also the same company!”

“Also charging unnecessarily high fares from certain destinations like the airport is a genius idea.”

 

Growing concern for Tram getting bullied by other cars

by Benelux News, posted in Daily Life

After conducting a crash test last Saturday between a car and the new tram, concerns are growing for the safety of the tram.

Experts have highlighted potential dangers of bullying and so called “mobbing”, not from people, but from other cars using the road.

“During the crash test, we could hear other cars passing by and making snide comments as they did,” said one spokeswoman. “Things were being mumbled between cars at the traffic lights just a few metres away. Things like ‘He wishes he was a real car’ and ‘He needs stabiliser tracks to ride on the real roads’.” 

Other witnesses heard the word “trammy” being shouted across the road several times.

If you are a tram and have been affected by other road users, please contact Benelux News to share your story.

Ski Twat Season only a matter of weeks away

by Benelux News, posted in Europe

Ski Twats across the country and indeed across Europe are already deciding on which ridiculously expensive, twatty sunglasses to wear on the ski slopes in the coming season.

Local sports shop owner, Jean-Claude, gave Benelux News an interview to tell us all about what’s been popular in the shop recently.

“The new ski outfits are flying out the door. I can’t keep up with the demand,” he said. “We are just selling the most ridiculous looking ski outfits to anyone. As soon as they look at it a bit strangely, I just tell them that it has a new ultra warming system inside and everyone will be wearing it on the slopes this year. Then they buy it straight away.”

“The same goes for the skis. If there is even a spec of dust on their skis from last year, I just tell them they might not be safe for the slopes. Works every time!”

One local man from Belair claimed he doesn’t mind pointlessly spending all that money, as long as he can brag and show off at the Apres Ski Party in the evenings.

“All I want to do, after a hard day of spraying people with snow when I pull up, is go to the party and be as loud and annoying as possible. It really is a fantastic holiday pastime.”

Expect monumental amounts of twats heading to a mountain near you soon!

Luxembourg’s New Police announce opening times for Christmas and New Year 

by Benelux News, posted in Daily Life

The so called “New Police” force in Luxembourg have officially announced their opening times for stations across the country.

Residents are advised to take note in case of emergency over the festive season.

24th December: Until around 5pm ish.

25th December: Not really sure. Maybe in the evening?

26th December: Probably after 10am.

31st December: Really late, like 11pm or so.

1st January: Good luck!

Mugabe application rejected as President of new Hollerich

by Benelux News, posted in Daily Life

Robert Mugabe was informed today just hours after standing down from his role in Zimbabwe, that his recent application for President of the new Hollerich has been rejected.

According to inside sources, despite his proposals for a “better Hollerich,” his past record with value of the Zimbabwe Dollar was simply too big a risk for the proposed Holler Dollar, due to come in to circulation in the coming months.

A spokesman said; “We simply cannot risk the Holler Dollar losing value, as we expect it to come in to the financial market with a high value. Therefore Mr Mugabe is simply not a suitable candidate.”

Annoying guy won’t stop touching friend’s arm during conversation 

by Benelux News, posted in Daily Life

Tempers rose today after a seemingly quiet and fun conversation turned into a strange touchfest.

As two men were enjoying a cold beer in a local bar, a silent rage was building inside one of the friends as the other one would not stop touching his arm while talking. 

“It was so annoying,” said the victim. “It was like he thought I wasn’t listening to him. I was so close to punching him in the face. I just had to make my excuses and leave after the second beer.”

Lessons in drinking etiquette are currently being proposed by local support groups to government officials.

People who push in through back doors of buses “eager to get started” on new challenge

by Benelux News, posted in Daily Life

A spokesperson for the association of people who push in through the back doors of buses before other passengers can get off stated this morning that it’s members are getting very excited about the new tram coming and are “eager to get started”.

“Our members have been practising for months now and are highly confident we can cause just as much of a nuisance pushing our way on to the tram as we can with buses.”

In anticipation of the tram project, members of the association have been practising extra hard and even taking on challenges such as the side entrance doors to Utopolis and entrance to the Gare during rush hour.

“The trick will be pushing on but not breaking the tram doors”, said the spokesperson. “But we are confident we can pull this off.”

Luxembourg Police reveal 2017 Halloween party costumes 

by Benelux News, posted in Daily Life

Luxembourg Police announced earlier this morning their new design for their annual Halloween party. 

The chief of Police was said to be extremely happy with the new design and said that they may even decide to wear the costumes permanently in the future because he described them as “really comfy”. 

The design, based on a Peugeot lion that had gone crazy and prowled the streets of Luxembourg looking for callef (baby cow) victims, had apparently caused a big laugh in the offices and the Police cells alike, is sure to be a big success. 

Expect to see a fresh fashion parade walking the streets near you soon!