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Daily Life

Mafia “in awe” of Luxembourg Taxi companies

Mafia groups from across the world have admitted that they are “in awe” of Luxembourg taxi companies. The high fares for small distances have proved to be a fantastic extortion technique and various mafias are said to be looking in to following suit. “It’s absolutely amazing” said one mafia member, refusing to give his name. “You pay for a normal […]

Europe

Ski Twat Season only a matter of weeks away

Ski Twats across the country and indeed across Europe are already deciding on which ridiculously expensive, twatty sunglasses to wear on the ski slopes in the coming season. Local sports shop owner, Jean-Claude, gave Benelux News an interview to tell us all about what’s been popular in the shop recently. “The new ski outfits are flying out the door. I […]

Daily Life

Luxembourg’s New Police announce opening times for Christmas and New Year 

The so called “New Police” force in Luxembourg have officially announced their opening times for stations across the country. Residents are advised to take note in case of emergency over the festive season. 24th December: Until around 5pm ish. 25th December: Not really sure. Maybe in the evening? 26th December: Probably after 10am. 31st December: Really late, like 11pm or […]

Daily Life

People who push in through back doors of buses “eager to get started” on new challenge

A spokesperson for the association of people who push in through the back doors of buses before other passengers can get off stated this morning that it’s members are getting very excited about the new tram coming and are “eager to get started”. “Our members have been practising for months now and are highly confident we can cause just as […]

Daily Life

Luxembourg Police storm voting centres to block Hollerich vote for independence

Luxembourg police in riot gear smashed in the doors of polling stations and dragged protesters away by the hair, beating some with batons and firing rubber bullets at others on Sunday as they tried to shut down an illegal referendum on independence in Hollerich. Despite the police brutality against largely peaceful demonstrations, voting began in many locations across Hollerich and […]

Europe

Brexit supporters IQ reaches a new low

Shock rippled through Europe today after two of Britain’s biggest Brexit supporters travelled freely through the eurozone to take a stupid photo. Using their open border passports for travel, they decided to take a photo disapproving the very agreement that allowed them to travel to do so. Echoes of laughter could be heard throughout the surrounding countryside as the pair […]

Daily Life

Gotham Club to be renamed Fight Club

The infamous Gotham Club in Limpertsberg has announced plans to rebrand under the new name; Fight Club. The new name was decided after dozens of reviews of the club on its Facebook page of clients complaining of being beaten up by the security staff. “We had so many reports of customers having the crap beaten out of them that we […]