Mafia “in awe” of Luxembourg Taxi companies

Mafia groups from across the world have admitted that they are “in awe” of Luxembourg taxi companies.

The high fares for small distances have proved to be a fantastic extortion technique and various mafias are said to be looking in to following suit.

“It’s absolutely amazing” said one mafia member, refusing to give his name. “You pay for a normal taxi an absolute fortune, so if you decide to phone another taxi company to get a smaller price, it’s also the same company!”

“Also charging unnecessarily high fares from certain destinations like the airport is a genius idea.”

 

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Christmas Beer already finished! Say Luxembourg breweries 

Luxembourg breweries are panicking this evening after publicly revealing that Luxembourg’s local breweries are already out of Christmas beer.

It seems that Luxembourg’s drinkers are really on the case this year and are totally ready for Christmas shenanigans. 

More info on the beer drought to follow.

Growing concern for Tram getting bullied by other cars

After conducting a crash test last Saturday between a car and the new tram, concerns are growing for the safety of the tram.

Experts have highlighted potential dangers of bullying and so called “mobbing”, not from people, but from other cars using the road.

“During the crash test, we could hear other cars passing by and making snide comments as they did,” said one spokeswoman. “Things were being mumbled between cars at the traffic lights just a few metres away. Things like ‘He wishes he was a real car’ and ‘He needs stabiliser tracks to ride on the real roads’.” 

Other witnesses heard the word “trammy” being shouted across the road several times.

If you are a tram and have been affected by other road users, please contact Benelux News to share your story.

Ski Twat Season only a matter of weeks away

Ski Twats across the country and indeed across Europe are already deciding on which ridiculously expensive, twatty sunglasses to wear on the ski slopes in the coming season.

Local sports shop owner, Jean-Claude, gave Benelux News an interview to tell us all about what’s been popular in the shop recently.

“The new ski outfits are flying out the door. I can’t keep up with the demand,” he said. “We are just selling the most ridiculous looking ski outfits to anyone. As soon as they look at it a bit strangely, I just tell them that it has a new ultra warming system inside and everyone will be wearing it on the slopes this year. Then they buy it straight away.”

“The same goes for the skis. If there is even a spec of dust on their skis from last year, I just tell them they might not be safe for the slopes. Works every time!”

One local man from Belair claimed he doesn’t mind pointlessly spending all that money, as long as he can brag and show off at the Apres Ski Party in the evenings.

“All I want to do, after a hard day of spraying people with snow when I pull up, is go to the party and be as loud and annoying as possible. It really is a fantastic holiday pastime.”

Expect monumental amounts of twats heading to a mountain near you soon!

Luxembourg’s New Police announce opening times for Christmas and New Year 

The so called “New Police” force in Luxembourg have officially announced their opening times for stations across the country.

Residents are advised to take note in case of emergency over the festive season.

24th December: Until around 5pm ish.

25th December: Not really sure. Maybe in the evening?

26th December: Probably after 10am.

31st December: Really late, like 11pm or so.

1st January: Good luck!

Mugabe application rejected as President of new Hollerich

Robert Mugabe was informed today just hours after standing down from his role in Zimbabwe, that his recent application for President of the new Hollerich has been rejected.

According to inside sources, despite his proposals for a “better Hollerich,” his past record with value of the Zimbabwe Dollar was simply too big a risk for the proposed Holler Dollar, due to come in to circulation in the coming months.

A spokesman said; “We simply cannot risk the Holler Dollar losing value, as we expect it to come in to the financial market with a high value. Therefore Mr Mugabe is simply not a suitable candidate.”

Annoying guy won’t stop touching friend’s arm during conversation 

Tempers rose today after a seemingly quiet and fun conversation turned into a strange touchfest.

As two men were enjoying a cold beer in a local bar, a silent rage was building inside one of the friends as the other one would not stop touching his arm while talking. 

“It was so annoying,” said the victim. “It was like he thought I wasn’t listening to him. I was so close to punching him in the face. I just had to make my excuses and leave after the second beer.”

Lessons in drinking etiquette are currently being proposed by local support groups to government officials.